RESOLUTIONS. I HAS THEM.

Because this is the time of year that alls the people of the world make resolutions, even the President and Matt Damon, I decided that I too would resolve to do some things that I will undoubtably only do until February.

Because I know you all love me so much, I am sharing this list with you.

Resolved:

To be better at everything.

Look, I don’t think this is too much to ask. I just want to try to be better at anything and everything I try, without having to work too hard to do it. I think if I just set my mind to it, and meditate more often, this goal should be achievable. Note: I will be seriously pissed if this doesn’t come true.

Resolved:

To make all babies love me immediately and stop crying in my presence.

This will not only make me a goddess amongst mere mortals, it will also make everyone who is near me secretly harbor suspicion that I am actually some kind of woodland fairy. If I can calm babies, whose to say I can’t also calm angry trees and make lions my friends? WHO.

Resolved:

To not spend any money ever again*.

Really, this is the only way I’m going to be better than everyone. I am going to be just as fabulous as I always am but without spending a dime! How am I going to do this? I just told you! By not spending any money. It’s foolproof.

*Exception: Celine Dion tickets.

Resolved:

To conquer Origami

True, I did use up my lifetime ration of obscenities while trying to make one of those little swan things the last time I tried, but this year, I really am going to make a little swan thing! Yes. I am.

Here is My Five-Year Plan:

Year One: Master the art of origami through patience, perseverance and just following the #%$^& directions.

Year Two through Five: Become an origami master, teach classes and become famous. And, although my flesh may decay, my legacy as an origami sage will allow me to live forever. They will say that I was a bright star shooting through the atmosphere and lighting up the dark night sky of humanity.

Resolved:

To be lifted up on the shoulders of a crowd as they cheer for me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to deserve this. But I am going to do this. And I’m going to deserve it.

Resolved:

Get me a man. Or just get married. To a man.

Sure, this might not be “realistic” or even “normal behavior for a young woman” but I’m going to get married. Even if I have to get married at a chapel on the way to Las Vegas to a man who needs a green card, I’m going to do it. Get married, I mean.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING?

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME. I SEE YOU.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOU. YOU CAN'T HIDE.

I'M GOOD AT ORIGAMI.

So there you have it! My new year’s resolutions! Hope I didn’t get to needy on you towards the end there!

Oh…. well, you're fricking nuts too, I’m sure.

A Christmas Miracle

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you! I was too busy writing in my journal while I sit by this piece of sand that I occasionally comb with a tiny little baby rake. It makes me better than you. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, I'm glad you stopped by today because I have a special treat! Consider it my Christmas gift to you. This is really better for both of us because then I don't have to buy you anything.

You might be wondering: what IS THIS GIFT? Well, please step over to the tree, find the gift with YOUR name on it and unwrap it! Go on! Do it! .... Now that you've unwrapped it you'll see that the gift is a GUEST WRITER! It's my sister ABBY!!! YEAH! REALLY!

Don't get too excited. You'll hurt my feelings.

I'm still here.

After watching Twilight and Twilight: New Moon with my sister Abby, she decided that she wanted to place finger to key and write her feelings refuting my previous blog (waits for clapping to die down) thank you, about the epic saga.

Editor's Note: she is a fool.

So without further ado...

5 Reasons Why You Should NOT Date Edward Cullen

By: Abby Gunderson

Besides the obvious reasons that Edward Cullen is an Albino, blood-sucking vampire who has an overwhelming urge to bite you and suck your blood, there are 5 other reasons why Edward is a bad choice in a life partner.

1) He is a Player

"Do you know how long I have waited for you?" -Edward (1st Twilight movie)

Really, Edward? You expect me to believe that for over 100 years, you didn't once think about hooking up with some hottie behind the bleachers after Homecoming? Even during the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's? Those chicks were liberated and stoned. What's not to love?

But you know what, Edward knows exactly what he is doing and plays Bella like a hand of cards; sad, vulnerable, low self-esteem cards with daddy issues.

Game plan:

First - Edward undoubtably has some I'm-so-artsy Moleskin journal filled with pick-up lines that he drops like its hot. Such as, “Every day you breathe is a gift.” Bella thought this sentiment was sweetly whispered in the moment. BUT he actually first used that line on Dame Judi Dench back in 1952.

Then - he lets the girl think she has figured out his little secret. As such...

Bella: "You're a vampire."

Edward: "Oh really, you discovered that I am a Vampire? How clever you are. I can't believe you saw through the albino skin, yellow eyes, and the whole saving-you-from-that-car-wreck thing. How free I feel now that you know my secret! Let's go make out in the forest."

Editor's Note: They didn't make out in the forest. They stared lovingly into each other's eyes. Also, nothing is wrong with Moleskin journals. This editor isn't biased but if he/she were, he/she is sure that Moleskin is an entirely acceptable way to deal with all of your many feelings.

Final Move - he talks the girl out of the idea that she too needs to be an immortal Vampire in order that they can be together forever. C'mon I mean, wouldn't you? Edward just wants to be with Bella while she is young, hot and sultry. They can have a few laughs, prance through the forest, and pop out some half-breed kids. Then, once her junk goes bad, she dies and he starts the game all over again.

Well played, Cullen.

Editor's Note: The editor has read the books, unlike the guest author, and he/she knows that Bella and Edward do want to be together forever. They love each other and nothing will ever change that. Also, maybe it's not so bad to be a half-breed kid. Maybe if the guest author was a half-breed, she wouldn't be so lame and prone to the common cold.

2) He is addicted to drugs

You thought those dark circles under his eyes were because he is one of the UnDead.

False.

Editor's Note: True.

As evidence, I quote Edward himself: "You are like my own personal brand of heroine". How would you know, Edward? How would you know? I mean, the guy was gone for like half of the New Moon movie.

Where was he??

I'll tell you where he was: in a gutter somewhere in Amsterdam sleeping it off, that's where.

Editor's Note: No, he wasn't. You don't even know him. He isn't like that. Lay off.

3) He is obviously the product of two first cousins.

Editor's Note: No, YOU'RE obviously the product of two first cousins. Frick.

Edward Cullen is an idiot. Let me ask you this: what kind of moron repeats high school - the worst years of one’s life - over and over and over again? While most of us spend years in therapy trying to forget the time in Satan's Lair, this genius agreed to the arrangement in the first place!

I can imagine the conversation:

Dr. Cullen: Hey Edward, you don't look so well with that Spanish influenza and all. I’ve got an idea, let’s be immortal and go to Algebra class, endure non-stop acne, and wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt."

Edward: "Sounds awesome! Bite my neck here, please"

Just because you look like a 17-year-old, Edward, doesn't mean you need to act like one. Many people in this world are short on years and go on to do more interesting things than go to 5th period PE and attend Prom. For instance - Lindsay Lohan, Doogie Howser, the BabySitters Club, and all those Chinese gymnasts.

Editor's Note: Fate brought Edward to perpetual high-schoolship. It brought him to Bella. The love of his life. The editor is sure that the guest author wouldn't love anything if she had to because her heart is so cold and dark.

4) Does Edward have White-American guilt on his side?

No. But Jacob does. As long as Uncle Sam lives with the daily guilt of giving Jacob's ancestors syphilis 250 years ago, that kid and his family are living the dream: free healthcare and education during the day, while running around shirtless at night on an Indian reservation.

Bella, let me give you some free advice: Go back to Jacob, pop out some halfsie-werewolf babies, and live a tax-free Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman existence at a casino somewhere in Nevada with the rest of the tribe. You won't regret it.

Editor's Note: WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID. Bella doesn't love Jacob, okay? She loves Edward. EDWARD. She loves Edward because he is beautiful and special and he isn't dating Taylor Swift.

5) He is Gay

Editor's Note: YOU'RE GAY.

I saved this one for last because it is so obvious.

That piano-playing scene in the first movie?

His perfectly coifed hair?

The Banana Republic wardrobe?

The baseball scene that implies "playing-for-both-teams”?

Oh, and the guy GLITTERS.

Fact: straight men don’t glitter in the sunlight. While he may be attracted to Bella's blood, I am [bi]curious as to whether or not he is interested in her X chromosome. I bet you tickets to a Cher concert that Edward just wants to put on Bella's dad's sheriff costume with a pair of cutoff denim shorts, drive down to SanFran, and DANCE.

Editor's Note: No. NO. You suck and you don't even love anything ever because this editor is sure that maybe if you did love something besides what you see in the mirror everyday you would know true beauty when you see it and guess what it's in Edward because he is really beautiful and not you and why is everything getting so dark in here? Is it hot? Where am I? Where are my pants?

Love Always,

Abby

Editor's Note: Don't worry guys. This is never going to happen again.

Ever.

I mean it.

I See You: A Loving Tribute to Avatar

Last night, after hours of debate, slammed doors and tears, I finally convinced some members of my family to see Avatar with me. Actually, only a few doors needed to be slammed because my dad was totally down for going. He claimed he was going to be with me but I know its because he really really really wanted to see Avatar. He thinks I have forgotten about the Eragon Viewing Of 2006 but I haven't. I'm still bitter that he made me see that with him.

Well, now we might be even.

I mean, it's no Eragon but it's also not exactly the next North by Northwest.

It's not even Star Trek. At least that had my boy, Spock to make the screen sizzle (yeah, I said it).

It's somewhere between absolute crap and majestic film making. I can't quite put my finger on where in the spectrum it falls, but one thing I know for sure: it falls somewhere on the line.

You're welcome.

But I digress.

(Would it really be a blog entry if I didn't?)

The story of Avatar is this:

It's 2154. A young wheelchair bounded man named Jake Sully ventures onto the mysterious planet, Pandora. He is assigned to an Avatar which, when he is hooked up to a little machine thing, lets him take over his Avatar's mind grapes with his own. It's science. Don't question it. Once he takes over his Avatar's body, he runs all over Pandora with his friends, Sigourney Weaver and Nameless Nerd Friend. I think his name is Will or something. He's really smart. I think he's supposed to be comic relief.

Anyway, once he is on Pandora he becomes friends with a beautiful and mysterious Avatar woman whose name I can't remember because she was half-naked. When she takes him to the tribe of Avatar, they want to kill him. But she defends them. Turns out, her mom and dad are the chiefs. Soon, she and Jake Sully are learning all about how wonderful trees are and how to be one with nature. Of course, they fall in love. But she is supposed to marry Kocoum!

WAIT.

Isn't this the story about Pocahontas? IT IS?

Look, I'm all for the story of Pocahontas. I just thought it had already been done. You know, in actual history. But now Sigourney Weaver is in on it so I guess that makes it even better.

I'll be real with you. I'm all for nature and trees and stuff. I even thought about planting a garden once! Yeah! It's true! But this movie made me feel guilty, not only being a white middle class America, but also for being a human! How could we do this to the aliens?? They are so peaceful and beautiful! And they have a spirit tree! How could we hate something with a spirit tree?? The closest thing we have to a spirit tree is Celine Dion!

You might be wondering how the story ends. I'll tell you.

After the humans, those filthy war machines, destroy everything good and beautiful about Pandora, they infect the Avatars with small pox. Then, to make up for it, they give the Avatars a small plot of land in Pandora where they are allowed to run casinos tax free.

God bless America. And James Cameron.

It's Oscar season, buddy, and I'm rooting for you.

That's What She Said: A Guide

Location: An office. Two men stand by watching another man try to put together a "some assembly required" chair from Staples. A bright red "That Was Easy" button sits by, untouched.

Person One: How do I get this thing to go in?

Person Two: Thats what she said!

Person Three: (chuckles softly to self)

Person One: Shut up.

"That's What She Said"

Anywhere. Anytime.

(that's what she said)

Ah, the classic one liner: "thats what she said". A perfect addition to nearly any conversation. It has that magic touch. That ability to bring together strangers and draw close friends even closer. It can lighten up a serious conversation, a tense situation or add even more hilarity to an already hilarious event.

But people need to use this phrase responsibly. Many older adults have recognized the unique power that this little phrase can have over common, everyday conversations. And they're experimenting.

And it's not pretty.

So, out of respect for the hearts and minds of my readership, I have dedicated myself to creating "That's What She Said": A Guide for all those who would like to improve their use of this immortal gem!

Rule One: Not quite anytime

Be aware of your surroundings. Is this the type of event that requires a little pick me up like TWSS? Or is it a moment that is appropriately sober?

Don't:

Widow: He was dead on arrival...

You: That's what she said.

NO. BAD.

Do:

Widow: He was dead on arrival

You: Sorry.

MUCH. BETTER.

Rule Two: Not quite anywhere

PLACES THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE:

Hospitals

Nursing Homes

Churches

Historical Ruins (exception: the Parthenon)

Flower Shops (don't question it.)

Classrooms (notes to friends: acceptable)

Anywhere that children are present (they won't get it so your humor will be lost on them)

Rule Three: No Set Ups

Example-

You: It's so small

You (1 second later): That's what she said

NO. LAME.

You might wonder when you'll get your chance to use TWSS if you don't create the opportunity yourself. Look, I don't care. You can die without ever making a good TWSS joke for all I care. Just don't set yourself up. I mean it. This is my only warning.

Rule Four: Your waiter doesn't think it's funny. So don't.

Rule Five: The elderly, while often seen as absolute TWSS goldmines, are definitely out.

Grandma: Sorry I don't have anything besides 20 year old cake, I just can't get around since I broke my hip

You: That's what she said

Grandma: Who said?

You: She...it's..a joke...

Grandma: I don't understand

You: It was just a joke. Someone says something...funny...and you say that's what she said...it's really funny...

Grandma: I don't know who she is

You: It's not a person

Grandma: Is it something on the news?

You: No...it's a joke...

Grandma: Are you smoking the marijuanas again?

You: no?

Grandma: You're out of the will.

NO. BAD. NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.

Rule Six: Open Ears. Open Eyes. Open Heart.

Believe in the magic of TWSS! If you only keep your ears, eyes and heart open to the possibilitoes, you too will see opportunities to use your TWSS skills in public! Don't be afraid! Take a chance! Believe in yourself! Reach for the moon because even if you miss, you will land among stars.

You can do it. I believe in you.

That's what she said.

Oh, Edward!

Today, I was going to the bathroom when I overheard two girls talking.

Girl One: Did I see you today playing duck duck goose out on the lawn?

Girl Two: Yeah.. it was kind of amazing...

Me (to self): WHAT? Really, girl two? It was kind of amazing? Seriously? Because, over here in this stall, it sounds kind of stupid. The only people who can pull off playing children's games are children. Because its cute. It's even better if one of the kid had a deformity or artificial limb because then it's inspirational.

See, this is the problem with being a part of the honors program at my college. It attracts weird kids. Kids who wear capes. Kids who write on the arms extensively just to show off how busy they are. Kids who don't wear shoes for who knows what reason (one thing is for sure: it's not because people in developing nations don't have shoes. That's a completely different collegiate sub-culture). Kids who judge me when my copy of Twilight accidentally falls out of my bag. No, YOU suck! And your girlfriend has freakishly long hair! Reality check: She isn't Arwen.

Why are you crying? Stop it.

But I digress.

Wait, no I don't. I meant to segue into my love of Twilight.

Yeah. I said it, Reader.

I. Love. Twilight.

Well, actually, I love Edward Cullen.

He's everything I want in a man: dark, moody, brooding, eyes that look into my soul, loves to hunt bears just to suck their blood, tries to say goodbye because "it's for my own good" but just can't stay away because of an inexplicably attraction (i.e. my blood smells tasty to him). That's hot.

This whole love affair began when I had a couple of my girlfriends, Kelsey (holla!) and Kaleigh (shout out!) over for pizza and movie happyfuntimes. While we were watching a SNL digital short making fun of Twilight, I casually mentioned that I had never seen the movies or read the books. Well, then there was no turning back.

I loved it.

I mean, I recognize that the acting may not be "good" or even "mediocre" and I know that the plot might be a bit "stupid" but COME ON PEOPLE! Edward is FANTASTIC! And Bella has great bone structure! What's not to love?!

Well, I think the vampires got to me because the next night I was back in my apartment, in my Snuggie, watching it again with my roommate Colleen (woot woot!). Fact: EVEN BETTER THE SECOND TIME!

And then the next day I went to Borders and got my very own copy of Twilight. I am now 200 pages into it. Tonight, during my dinner break from classes, I forwent my tradition of calling people and having meaningful conversations. Instead, I got dinner and read Twilight.

And I was so happy. So very happy.

You know, I still haven't returned the movie to Red Box...

Maybe I'll watch it again when I know my roommates, and their judgement, won't be home.

I do colds better than you

This morning, as I was coughing up my internal organs while lying in my bed, I realized how pretentious colds are.

Really, they think they're all that.

And they are.

Let's examine the various aspects of this particular illness and then reflect on how much more it's into indie music than we are.

a) Chicken Noodle Soup

Sure it's a classic part of every illness, but it's so arrogant! Think about it. What other everyday soup has both poultry AND noodles? It's trying to take over two industries in one can! Plus, the broth is clearly inspired by French Onion Soup, which everyone knows is a soup that thinks really highly of itself. Also, Chicken Noodle Soup demands your allegiance for the duration of your sickness. "oh." it says, when you get out some bread to make yourself a sandwich. "I mean, don't get me wrong, sandwiches are great... I just didn't think label you as someone who, when you have a sore throat, voluntarily swallows sandpaper".

It even watches with smug satisfaction as you shamefully put away the bread and get out the can opener.

b) Cold Medicine

It's expensive. It demands you take it every 4 to 6 hours. It usually comes packaged in impossible to open little foil envelopes. Everything about it is elitist.

Plus, consider the names. Sudafed? Theraflu? What's next...EmergenC? Exactly. Cold Medicine made specifically for emergent church goers.

c) Snuggies

During this particular illness, I was able to use the Snuggie that my sister, Abby, just sent me (shout out!).

While a lot of people enjoy making fun of Snuggies, that's only because this incredibly innovative and successful blanket has made them feel inferior. Snuggies have only been around for a couple of years and its famous!

You're 24 and no one knows your name.

I can understand why you're insecure in its presence.

Besides, it's the perfect blanket for being sick. I wasn't forced to make the Sophie's choice between warmth and reading a book! Thanks, Snuggie!

d) Blowing your nose.

Nothing says, "Don't mind me. I'm just better than you!" than quietly blowing your nose. I know, I know. You're thinking that you need to blow your nose. Otherwise you'll be sick forever! All I'm saying is that this little act lets everyone around you know that you are going through a time of incredibly hip behavior and they should probably feel like what they're wearing isn't as cool as what you're wearing.

e) Staying inside for the weekend.

So, you're sick. Now you can't make it to events. You have to cancel on lunch dates. You don't come to work or class. Sounds like somebody IS sick... of all the losers they usually associate with.

Instead of pretending to care about other people's problems, you stay inside, with your Snuggie, and watch the History Channel. Also, you read books. And sleep. Like some kind of Eastern European royal. Congratulations, you're pretentious.

f) Orange juice

Someone had to pick that by hand. Someone else had to go to college and get a degree in mechanical engineering to design a machine to squeeze the juice. Someone else had to get a degree from Yale in chemistry to make you think it tastes like real oranges. Some guy who happens to live near the headquarters in Missouri had to taste-test that kind to make sure you would enjoy it. Some truck driver had to drive it to your local grocery store. Some high schooler had to stock it while texting his girlfriend. You bought it and drink it because it has Vitamin C.

Yeah, you know who you are. Someone who deserves the best that society can offer.

I text like it's my duty to the world

The other day, my friend Abbie and I were sitting at a frozen yogurt place in San Diego called "Berries and Beans".

I'm not sure why they call it that.

Actually, that's really weird. And a little annoying.

How hard is it to accurately name something? Yogurtland seems to get it (a land of yogurt!) why can't you, Berries and Beans? No, I do NOT want your punch card. Everyone will think I'm an idiot for carrying around your lame name next to my credit card. I'm important, Berries and Beans. VERY IMPORTANT.

But I digress.

As we were sitting at (insert stupid name here), on the really comfy couches they so sensitively provide, we found ourselves engrossed in an issue of Seventeen magazine. Imagine our surprise to learn what boys are really thinking!

So, you're telling me they like it when a girl plays hard to get by having a boyfriend? Thanks Carlos, 15!

Anyway(s), as we continued to read (and, consequently, saw more pictures of the cast of Twilight than anyone one person should every be subject to... unless, of course, the government needs to extract information from them) we stumbled across a fascinating article about how to text to get yourself a boyfriend!

Naturally, we felt the need to study this with an intensity that we have never displayed in our official academic pursuits. But really, when is New-Historicism critical theory every going to get me invited to a party with Jon, 16?

Here are some important lessons I learned that I felt would be important (dare I say, life channging?) to share with you, my readership.

DO:

Send him a fun and flirty text like, "hey qt! what r u doing 2nite? ;)"

DON'T:

Ask him intense questions like, "did u hook up w/ [insert name here. probably vanessa] last nite?"

DO:

Make pretend dates! Like, if he insults you... say something cute like, "ouch! u owe me an ice cream 4 that 1!"

DON'T:

Make him wait longer than 5 minutes for a text. Otherwise he will think you aren't into him!

DO:

Look more like [insert latest disney channel child star here] in order to attract Ryan, 14. Sure, he might be shorter than you because he hasn't hit his growth spurt and his mom still registers him for classes, but isn't it great to have someone validate you?

DON'T:

Pay attention in school. What, are you too lame to spend all of your history class actually listening to the teacher instead of texting Luke, 35?

Here is a profound thought I discovered on Seventeen.com:

I don't know if this will help in any of your situations, but here are some things i have learned from guys... -when they say "idk" when you ask them a serious question...a question they probly dont wanna hear/answer...the "idk" represents the answer you probly dont want to hear, i.e.- you have plans to hook up with an ex and then you ask if youre ever going to get back together, he says idk, usually that means no. -not all guys, but most don't put to much effort into ttheir conversations. so don't freak out with their stupid one worded answers, just as long as they occasionally say something sweet that suprises you. -however, you should definately know a guy likes you if he actually carries on a long conversation, that every answer is more than one word, and he asks questions back. you should be veryyyy happy cuz guys dont do this all the time. -NOT ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THIS. but most know what to say and how to say it to get girls to do whatever they want. all guys know what to say to make us girls fall to their feet, but some actually do mean it. you have to watch your self. -i know how it is to want to go crawling back to your ex, but the best idea is to move on. it will be the hardest thing in your life to do, but once you do it, you will realize how much better you are without him, and how stupid you wouldve looked going back to him just for a hook up.

.... yeah, you are welcome.

Recycling and Natural Medicine

Just for fun, I looked up the list "Stuff White People Like" to see how white I really am.

The results were not that surprising.

-Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

I feel rage whenever I see those shirts. White hot rage.

- Moleskin Notebooks

I actually used one today to write about my feelings. I have a lot of them. For a taste of what those might be like, please consider indie music.

- Taking a year off

White-er points: Today's "taking a year off" consideration was Teach For America. I think the only diversity displayed in that program is on the website.

- Sea Salt

I actually have a bottle of sea salt in my closet. I'm not sure why.

- Hummus

Lunch.

- The Onion

I once seriously considered replacing CNN as my homepage in favor of The Onion. Pretension, masked as a "desire to be informed", won out and CNN remains the first thing I see when I used my Mac to sign onto the internet.

- Dinner Parties

I'll just let the website do the talking on this one: "The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonalds wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work."

- Public Radio

"This American Life" makes me happy, especially when I'm cooking (using organic food only, of course).

-David Sedaris

I feel as if this list is peeking into my very soul. My white, white soul.

And my personal favorite,

- Breakfast Places

Lately, my friend and I have been going to a little place in downtown Fullerton for Saturday breakfasts. Everything we order is organic, even the coffee. We sit at the tables set up on the sidewalk outside, with older white couples with their dogs and New York Times crosswords. Once, a camera crew from a local news station came up to interview people about our Memorial Day plans. They practically cried when they realized that sitting there in the cafe was the local owner of an art gallery. White person paradise.

So there you have it. Feel free to use this list to gauge how white you are.

Because,

self-awareness is a good thing.

Also, ugly sweater parties.

Glennovna (or, why its fun to have Glenn as your dad)

Since today is my dad's birthday, I decided to write a little something about why it's fun to have him as my dad. I could have gotten sentimental on you all and told you why he's such a great dad to have, but let's stick to the funnier stuff.

- He always tries to play jokes on his kids. It's like April Fool's Day was made for this man. When we lived closer to the mountains, he would wake us up by telling us that a coyote was in our front yard. For some reason, it made him laugh really hard to see his small children run to the window looking for a wild animal by our front door. When we moved to a house in a more urban area that was across from a park, he would try to convince us that homeless man was pooping on our front lawn.

- Speaking of jokes, you can be pretty sure that the first thing he tells you about anything is whatever he thinks will get a reaction out of you. Like, "I told everyone at staff meeting about this guy you're interested in" or "you don't mind that I told the church about that test you failed right?". When I was younger, I believed him. Now I just sit there and wait until he looks up, laughs, says "I'm just kidding!" and moves on to what he really was going to say.

- The man is afraid of technology. Only recently did he make the switch from typewriters to laptop computers. This switch, however, doesn't mean he suddenly is uploading pictures of family vacations, synching his iCal with his BlackBerry or even getting an email. What it means is that his secretary set up the computer so that all he has to do is open it and it immediately opens to a Word document where he can type things. I'm not convinced he knows how to save things.

-But he did learn how to text recently! At first, responses would take a half hour and would be all in caps. Now they're a little quicker and in normal capitalization. He actually communicates a lot this way now. I think it's his way of connecting with his kids.

- He cries at the end of movies. Even if he just walked in we are finishing a movie. He doesn't need to see the whole thing, just seeing two people kissing and walking off into a sunset is enough to make him cry.

- I'm pretty sure he loves the dogs, Homer and Violet, more than he loves the rest of us. They get hugs first, they get to go on walks with him, they get talked to, they get songs dedicated to their adventures...

- He eats disgusting combinations of food. Like, ketchup on everything. If we're at a fancy restaurant, he'll say to the waiter, "now, I know this is so tacky but... can I have some ketchup with this steak?". He also likes to put huge amounts of butter (or, Smart Balance) on things. Like cold meat. If my sister catches him, he'll try to hide what he's eating. Like a raccoon digging through a trash can who gets caught by a flashlight.

- The older I get, the more of his characteristics I pick up. I put ketchup on everything. I stare off in the distance for no reason. I repeat things to people several times during conversations (just to make sure they remember!). I try to play practical jokes on people and think it's hilarious. I bite my nails. I say things like, "this is what money is for!" when buying movie tickets. I walk, jog, walk. I have a receding hairline.

Happy birthday, dad! I love you!

All the Single Ladies: Translated

All the single ladies (7x)

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
you Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
dont pay him any attention
cuz i cried my tears, GAVE three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

We were at our community’s local dance hall; we decided to end our relationship.

I was behaving as I often do: as an individual.

You, my former amour, became upset when another young male appreciated my physical attributes and keen dancing skills.

This young man and I were dancing in a friendly manner

But I petition you, former lover, do not to notice this intimacy

I wept as is appropriate when two who have been paramours for many years end their romance.

Do not be angry at me, my swain

[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh x2

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

You cannot be vexed when another man behaves in a manner that indicates he is interested in becoming my lover

Because if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal.

Oh, Oh, Oh (x2)

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I couldnt care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Dont pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn
But now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

I have rouge on my lips; a young man dancing close to my person

I am wearing a brand of jeans that is known for enhancing a woman’s bodily appearance with their form-fitting cut and style.

I behave garishly, with little self-control; I drink fermented beverages.

I no longer concern myself with your personal thoughts or feelings on the matter.

As an individual, I don’t need to petition to another person to approve of my behavior.

Have I recently told you that you need not be concerned with this other young man?

You had an opportunity to become my betrothed

Now you must learn the painful lesson of how one feels when they long for a lost lover

Chorus

Chorus

Don’t treat me to the things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Pull me into your arms
Say I’m the one you own
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like a ghost I’ll be gone

I warn you: do not attempt to purchase my love with expensive worldly goods.

I am not a woman who responds to such bribery

What I desire most is your intimacy and devotion.

Indeed, it is what I qualify for given my fine personality and attractive features.

Take me into your loving embrace; treat me as if you have already expended a great amount of monetary compensation in order to purchase me as your lover.

If you don’t behave as I have outlined above, I will leave you all alone.

Like an apparition, I will disappear without leaving behind an indication of my whereabouts.

All the single ladies (7x)
Now put your hands up
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh
oh oh oh 2x

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it woo oh ooh 2x

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

A party dedicated to moustaches!

Some pictures from the moustache-athon housewarming party!

Fun and Sexy Times (at the doctor's office)

The appointment was at 3:30.

When I scheduled this appointment a month ago, they told me to arrive at the brick building near the ER at least 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment.

Since I was subjecting myself to a magnetic picture of my brain, I wondered if I would need to take out all the metal that I had voluntarily put in my body.

Google search told me that yes, the nose ring had to go.

So I drove to my house and arrived at 2:45 so my mom could help me get my nose ring out since I had never taken it out on my own.

The only time I had taken out my nose ring was my sophomore year and H took it out for me. I cried the whole time. Not because I was in pain. But because it made the whole thing seem more exciting. It made me feel like I was really alive. Plus, it was terrifying. What if I pulled out my nose? I needed it.

Back to my story: I get home and my mom tries to help me take it out.

30 minutes, tweezers and needle-nose pliers later... the nose ring was still in my nose.

And I was just the tiniest bit of upset.

Okay. That's a lie. I was freaking out.

How stupid would I look if I couldn't get a CT Scan because I couldn't take out my own nose ring?

So I get to the office at 3:25.

10 minutes later than they said to arrive.

The receptionist asked me what time my appointment was.

"3:30"

She looked at the clock.

I got the point.

So I filled out the paperwork and they brought me in.

The nurse was nice and smelled very faintly of stale cigarettes. Also, she was more than willing to work around my nose ring which I still couldn't get out. She asked me if I even took care of it since it was all red and stuff.

I explained that I was a nose ring screw up and couldn't control the things I voluntarily put on my body.

Then we got started with the scanning of my brain part.

She set me up with an IV and gave me the following instructions: "Okay now when I this stuff goes in its going to make you feel weird. You're going to feel really hot and get a strange taste in your mouth"

Okay, I could handle that.

"Also, you're going to feel like you're wetting your pants"

What?

"But I promise, you aren't!"

Oh well that's fantastic.

The crazy thing was... it was all true. I did get really hot and I got a crazy taste in my mouth and I swear I peed my pants. Right there on the table.

I kind of wish I did.

Because, wouldn't that have made for an even better blog?

Also, when I got out of the office, a bird had pooped on my car.

Marijuana Mondays (or, Why it's GREAT to live at Il Pompeii Apartments!)

Ten Reasons why I love my apartment building:

10. Marijuana Mondays

Every monday night, our neighbors in apartment 51 smoke weed. We realized this the night our electricity got shut off because we forgot to pay the bill and we had to open the windows because it was 80 degrees in our apartment. While it was a toss up between the culprits being in apartment 50 or 51, we finally settled on the latter because of other, perhaps lesser noticed, details. Like the bucket full of cigarette butts they have outside their door. I met these neighbors the other day. They seemed nice.

9. Hercules lives here too!

Because our apartment is named Il Pompeii, the creators of this place decided to max out our complex with first-rate Greek decorations. As you enter the south gate, you are greeted by two lions with their fists extended, ready to fist pound it. As you grill, you can admire a freakishly tall statue of some kind of Greek god (perhaps the god of grilling? of meats? or hearth and home? of 1 year contracts?). As you walk about the complex, you often have to pause and ask yourself if somehow you've stepped into the heyday of Athenian culture. But then you see Terrylea, our landlady, smoking and reminding you that all pets must be approved by the front office. And you know you're home.

8. Speaking of Terrylea...

The sixties were not kind to this woman. Bless her heart but any type of question, challenging or simple, is met with a long and confused pause. You ask. She stares. You wonder if she's having some kind of episode. And then she answers. It's not helpful. But isn't she sweet?

7. Rent. So addicting.

The first of the month is the BEST at Il Pompeii. Because that's when you get to open up the little mail slot that drops into the leasing office! I always ask my roommates if I can be the one to do this. It's not that I like being separated from my money or that I enjoy the epic journey across the complex to the leasing office. It's that I get to involuntarily smoke a pack of Marlboros just by opening the mail slot. Without fail, you know you're within fifty feet of the leasing office because it smells like you're at a McDonalds in Mobile.

6. Visualize Grilled Cheese

Our neighbor has this bumper sticker in the window of his living room. After a few treacherous minutes of googling, C found out that this is a play on words from the term "Visualize World Peace". I didn't realize how disgusting the name "grilled cheese" is until I associated it with this weird apartment dweller.

5. The neighbor kids are so cute!

But why, why, WHY must they be out playing at 7 am on Saturday mornings? I should punch one of them. That will teach them to respect their elders.

4. Our door is cursed!

Everyday when the sun is setting, the wood on our front door warps. Usually, this makes it difficult to get in and out of the apartment. The simple solution to this is to thrust your complete body against the door. That'll do it! Sometimes, however, it renders the option of leaving completely void. It's really sweet.

3. We have a dishwasher.

And an olympic sized living room. We're making plans to hold gymnastics competitions with our friends here. We're expecting a big turnout.

2. Our neighbors have beauty AND brains

The person who used to park their yellow mustang in our spot had a license plate frame that said, "All this... and brains too".

I saw her once.

At least, I think it was a her.

And the number one reason it's great to live at Il Pompeii...

1. Brosephs.

It's true. An apparent pre-requisite for living in our apartment complex if you are a young male is that you must: 1) Have arms bigger than your face 2) Have a tribal tattoo around your freakishly muscular arm 3) Refuse to wear a shirt. Ever. Even when you're taking out your trash or grilling or doing your laundry or checking the mail. Don't put on a shirt. 4) When you are shirtless, it's entirely acceptable to wear socks and shoes and a Dodgers hat 5) You must drive a truck with an Active sticker.

As you can imagine, my roommates and I are really lucky to have found this awesome catch of an apartment complex.

The Dali? Or the Chevron?

In an unprecedented effort to get people into our apartment who wouldn't otherwise come, my roommates and I are throwing a housewarming party next week.

The theme has been a long held dream of ours: a moustache party.

The official title is Moustache-Athon Housewarming Party and every guest must wear a fake moustache during the event.

Oh the hilarity! How much laughter will surely fill these rooms in just a short week's time!

In order to prepare, Dweeb and I spent some time looking at moustache options online. While at first the google search turned up void of any viable options (everything was far too janky for our tastes) we finally found the Mecca of all online moustache resources: American Mustache Institute. According to their website, "AMI is the only facial hair think tank and advocacy organization in the world which has fought against a long pattern of discrimination against the Mustached American community since its secret formation in the 1960s."

Beautiful.

As part of their service to the American community at large, AMI offers a list (complete with pictures) of the several types of moustaches one may choose to wear. As a woman, I found "The English" and "The Petite Handlebar" to be the most electrifying (although I wouldn't refuse a man with a pencil 'stache).

As you can imagine from my perusal of AMI's website as well as the Moustache-Athon, I am a committed advocate of facial hair on men. It's really not just a matter of preference, it's a way of life.