Glennovna (or, why its fun to have Glenn as your dad)

Since today is my dad's birthday, I decided to write a little something about why it's fun to have him as my dad. I could have gotten sentimental on you all and told you why he's such a great dad to have, but let's stick to the funnier stuff.

- He always tries to play jokes on his kids. It's like April Fool's Day was made for this man. When we lived closer to the mountains, he would wake us up by telling us that a coyote was in our front yard. For some reason, it made him laugh really hard to see his small children run to the window looking for a wild animal by our front door. When we moved to a house in a more urban area that was across from a park, he would try to convince us that homeless man was pooping on our front lawn.

- Speaking of jokes, you can be pretty sure that the first thing he tells you about anything is whatever he thinks will get a reaction out of you. Like, "I told everyone at staff meeting about this guy you're interested in" or "you don't mind that I told the church about that test you failed right?". When I was younger, I believed him. Now I just sit there and wait until he looks up, laughs, says "I'm just kidding!" and moves on to what he really was going to say.

- The man is afraid of technology. Only recently did he make the switch from typewriters to laptop computers. This switch, however, doesn't mean he suddenly is uploading pictures of family vacations, synching his iCal with his BlackBerry or even getting an email. What it means is that his secretary set up the computer so that all he has to do is open it and it immediately opens to a Word document where he can type things. I'm not convinced he knows how to save things.

-But he did learn how to text recently! At first, responses would take a half hour and would be all in caps. Now they're a little quicker and in normal capitalization. He actually communicates a lot this way now. I think it's his way of connecting with his kids.

- He cries at the end of movies. Even if he just walked in we are finishing a movie. He doesn't need to see the whole thing, just seeing two people kissing and walking off into a sunset is enough to make him cry.

- I'm pretty sure he loves the dogs, Homer and Violet, more than he loves the rest of us. They get hugs first, they get to go on walks with him, they get talked to, they get songs dedicated to their adventures...

- He eats disgusting combinations of food. Like, ketchup on everything. If we're at a fancy restaurant, he'll say to the waiter, "now, I know this is so tacky but... can I have some ketchup with this steak?". He also likes to put huge amounts of butter (or, Smart Balance) on things. Like cold meat. If my sister catches him, he'll try to hide what he's eating. Like a raccoon digging through a trash can who gets caught by a flashlight.

- The older I get, the more of his characteristics I pick up. I put ketchup on everything. I stare off in the distance for no reason. I repeat things to people several times during conversations (just to make sure they remember!). I try to play practical jokes on people and think it's hilarious. I bite my nails. I say things like, "this is what money is for!" when buying movie tickets. I walk, jog, walk. I have a receding hairline.

Happy birthday, dad! I love you!

All the Single Ladies: Translated

All the single ladies (7x)

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
you Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
dont pay him any attention
cuz i cried my tears, GAVE three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

We were at our community’s local dance hall; we decided to end our relationship.

I was behaving as I often do: as an individual.

You, my former amour, became upset when another young male appreciated my physical attributes and keen dancing skills.

This young man and I were dancing in a friendly manner

But I petition you, former lover, do not to notice this intimacy

I wept as is appropriate when two who have been paramours for many years end their romance.

Do not be angry at me, my swain

[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh x2

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

You cannot be vexed when another man behaves in a manner that indicates he is interested in becoming my lover

Because if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal.

Oh, Oh, Oh (x2)

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I couldnt care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Dont pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn
But now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

I have rouge on my lips; a young man dancing close to my person

I am wearing a brand of jeans that is known for enhancing a woman’s bodily appearance with their form-fitting cut and style.

I behave garishly, with little self-control; I drink fermented beverages.

I no longer concern myself with your personal thoughts or feelings on the matter.

As an individual, I don’t need to petition to another person to approve of my behavior.

Have I recently told you that you need not be concerned with this other young man?

You had an opportunity to become my betrothed

Now you must learn the painful lesson of how one feels when they long for a lost lover

Chorus

Chorus

Don’t treat me to the things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Pull me into your arms
Say I’m the one you own
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like a ghost I’ll be gone

I warn you: do not attempt to purchase my love with expensive worldly goods.

I am not a woman who responds to such bribery

What I desire most is your intimacy and devotion.

Indeed, it is what I qualify for given my fine personality and attractive features.

Take me into your loving embrace; treat me as if you have already expended a great amount of monetary compensation in order to purchase me as your lover.

If you don’t behave as I have outlined above, I will leave you all alone.

Like an apparition, I will disappear without leaving behind an indication of my whereabouts.

All the single ladies (7x)
Now put your hands up
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh
oh oh oh 2x

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it woo oh ooh 2x

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

A party dedicated to moustaches!

Some pictures from the moustache-athon housewarming party!

Fun and Sexy Times (at the doctor's office)

The appointment was at 3:30.

When I scheduled this appointment a month ago, they told me to arrive at the brick building near the ER at least 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment.

Since I was subjecting myself to a magnetic picture of my brain, I wondered if I would need to take out all the metal that I had voluntarily put in my body.

Google search told me that yes, the nose ring had to go.

So I drove to my house and arrived at 2:45 so my mom could help me get my nose ring out since I had never taken it out on my own.

The only time I had taken out my nose ring was my sophomore year and H took it out for me. I cried the whole time. Not because I was in pain. But because it made the whole thing seem more exciting. It made me feel like I was really alive. Plus, it was terrifying. What if I pulled out my nose? I needed it.

Back to my story: I get home and my mom tries to help me take it out.

30 minutes, tweezers and needle-nose pliers later... the nose ring was still in my nose.

And I was just the tiniest bit of upset.

Okay. That's a lie. I was freaking out.

How stupid would I look if I couldn't get a CT Scan because I couldn't take out my own nose ring?

So I get to the office at 3:25.

10 minutes later than they said to arrive.

The receptionist asked me what time my appointment was.

"3:30"

She looked at the clock.

I got the point.

So I filled out the paperwork and they brought me in.

The nurse was nice and smelled very faintly of stale cigarettes. Also, she was more than willing to work around my nose ring which I still couldn't get out. She asked me if I even took care of it since it was all red and stuff.

I explained that I was a nose ring screw up and couldn't control the things I voluntarily put on my body.

Then we got started with the scanning of my brain part.

She set me up with an IV and gave me the following instructions: "Okay now when I this stuff goes in its going to make you feel weird. You're going to feel really hot and get a strange taste in your mouth"

Okay, I could handle that.

"Also, you're going to feel like you're wetting your pants"

What?

"But I promise, you aren't!"

Oh well that's fantastic.

The crazy thing was... it was all true. I did get really hot and I got a crazy taste in my mouth and I swear I peed my pants. Right there on the table.

I kind of wish I did.

Because, wouldn't that have made for an even better blog?

Also, when I got out of the office, a bird had pooped on my car.

Marijuana Mondays (or, Why it's GREAT to live at Il Pompeii Apartments!)

Ten Reasons why I love my apartment building:

10. Marijuana Mondays

Every monday night, our neighbors in apartment 51 smoke weed. We realized this the night our electricity got shut off because we forgot to pay the bill and we had to open the windows because it was 80 degrees in our apartment. While it was a toss up between the culprits being in apartment 50 or 51, we finally settled on the latter because of other, perhaps lesser noticed, details. Like the bucket full of cigarette butts they have outside their door. I met these neighbors the other day. They seemed nice.

9. Hercules lives here too!

Because our apartment is named Il Pompeii, the creators of this place decided to max out our complex with first-rate Greek decorations. As you enter the south gate, you are greeted by two lions with their fists extended, ready to fist pound it. As you grill, you can admire a freakishly tall statue of some kind of Greek god (perhaps the god of grilling? of meats? or hearth and home? of 1 year contracts?). As you walk about the complex, you often have to pause and ask yourself if somehow you've stepped into the heyday of Athenian culture. But then you see Terrylea, our landlady, smoking and reminding you that all pets must be approved by the front office. And you know you're home.

8. Speaking of Terrylea...

The sixties were not kind to this woman. Bless her heart but any type of question, challenging or simple, is met with a long and confused pause. You ask. She stares. You wonder if she's having some kind of episode. And then she answers. It's not helpful. But isn't she sweet?

7. Rent. So addicting.

The first of the month is the BEST at Il Pompeii. Because that's when you get to open up the little mail slot that drops into the leasing office! I always ask my roommates if I can be the one to do this. It's not that I like being separated from my money or that I enjoy the epic journey across the complex to the leasing office. It's that I get to involuntarily smoke a pack of Marlboros just by opening the mail slot. Without fail, you know you're within fifty feet of the leasing office because it smells like you're at a McDonalds in Mobile.

6. Visualize Grilled Cheese

Our neighbor has this bumper sticker in the window of his living room. After a few treacherous minutes of googling, C found out that this is a play on words from the term "Visualize World Peace". I didn't realize how disgusting the name "grilled cheese" is until I associated it with this weird apartment dweller.

5. The neighbor kids are so cute!

But why, why, WHY must they be out playing at 7 am on Saturday mornings? I should punch one of them. That will teach them to respect their elders.

4. Our door is cursed!

Everyday when the sun is setting, the wood on our front door warps. Usually, this makes it difficult to get in and out of the apartment. The simple solution to this is to thrust your complete body against the door. That'll do it! Sometimes, however, it renders the option of leaving completely void. It's really sweet.

3. We have a dishwasher.

And an olympic sized living room. We're making plans to hold gymnastics competitions with our friends here. We're expecting a big turnout.

2. Our neighbors have beauty AND brains

The person who used to park their yellow mustang in our spot had a license plate frame that said, "All this... and brains too".

I saw her once.

At least, I think it was a her.

And the number one reason it's great to live at Il Pompeii...

1. Brosephs.

It's true. An apparent pre-requisite for living in our apartment complex if you are a young male is that you must: 1) Have arms bigger than your face 2) Have a tribal tattoo around your freakishly muscular arm 3) Refuse to wear a shirt. Ever. Even when you're taking out your trash or grilling or doing your laundry or checking the mail. Don't put on a shirt. 4) When you are shirtless, it's entirely acceptable to wear socks and shoes and a Dodgers hat 5) You must drive a truck with an Active sticker.

As you can imagine, my roommates and I are really lucky to have found this awesome catch of an apartment complex.

The Dali? Or the Chevron?

In an unprecedented effort to get people into our apartment who wouldn't otherwise come, my roommates and I are throwing a housewarming party next week.

The theme has been a long held dream of ours: a moustache party.

The official title is Moustache-Athon Housewarming Party and every guest must wear a fake moustache during the event.

Oh the hilarity! How much laughter will surely fill these rooms in just a short week's time!

In order to prepare, Dweeb and I spent some time looking at moustache options online. While at first the google search turned up void of any viable options (everything was far too janky for our tastes) we finally found the Mecca of all online moustache resources: American Mustache Institute. According to their website, "AMI is the only facial hair think tank and advocacy organization in the world which has fought against a long pattern of discrimination against the Mustached American community since its secret formation in the 1960s."

Beautiful.

As part of their service to the American community at large, AMI offers a list (complete with pictures) of the several types of moustaches one may choose to wear. As a woman, I found "The English" and "The Petite Handlebar" to be the most electrifying (although I wouldn't refuse a man with a pencil 'stache).

As you can imagine from my perusal of AMI's website as well as the Moustache-Athon, I am a committed advocate of facial hair on men. It's really not just a matter of preference, it's a way of life.