RESOLUTIONS. I HAS THEM.

Because this is the time of year that alls the people of the world make resolutions, even the President and Matt Damon, I decided that I too would resolve to do some things that I will undoubtably only do until February.

Because I know you all love me so much, I am sharing this list with you.

Resolved:

To be better at everything.

Look, I don’t think this is too much to ask. I just want to try to be better at anything and everything I try, without having to work too hard to do it. I think if I just set my mind to it, and meditate more often, this goal should be achievable. Note: I will be seriously pissed if this doesn’t come true.

Resolved:

To make all babies love me immediately and stop crying in my presence.

This will not only make me a goddess amongst mere mortals, it will also make everyone who is near me secretly harbor suspicion that I am actually some kind of woodland fairy. If I can calm babies, whose to say I can’t also calm angry trees and make lions my friends? WHO.

Resolved:

To not spend any money ever again*.

Really, this is the only way I’m going to be better than everyone. I am going to be just as fabulous as I always am but without spending a dime! How am I going to do this? I just told you! By not spending any money. It’s foolproof.

*Exception: Celine Dion tickets.

Resolved:

To conquer Origami

True, I did use up my lifetime ration of obscenities while trying to make one of those little swan things the last time I tried, but this year, I really am going to make a little swan thing! Yes. I am.

Here is My Five-Year Plan:

Year One: Master the art of origami through patience, perseverance and just following the #%$^& directions.

Year Two through Five: Become an origami master, teach classes and become famous. And, although my flesh may decay, my legacy as an origami sage will allow me to live forever. They will say that I was a bright star shooting through the atmosphere and lighting up the dark night sky of humanity.

Resolved:

To be lifted up on the shoulders of a crowd as they cheer for me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to deserve this. But I am going to do this. And I’m going to deserve it.

Resolved:

Get me a man. Or just get married. To a man.

Sure, this might not be “realistic” or even “normal behavior for a young woman” but I’m going to get married. Even if I have to get married at a chapel on the way to Las Vegas to a man who needs a green card, I’m going to do it. Get married, I mean.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING?

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME. I SEE YOU.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOU. YOU CAN'T HIDE.

I'M GOOD AT ORIGAMI.

So there you have it! My new year’s resolutions! Hope I didn’t get to needy on you towards the end there!

Oh…. well, you're fricking nuts too, I’m sure.

A Christmas Miracle

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you! I was too busy writing in my journal while I sit by this piece of sand that I occasionally comb with a tiny little baby rake. It makes me better than you. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, I'm glad you stopped by today because I have a special treat! Consider it my Christmas gift to you. This is really better for both of us because then I don't have to buy you anything.

You might be wondering: what IS THIS GIFT? Well, please step over to the tree, find the gift with YOUR name on it and unwrap it! Go on! Do it! .... Now that you've unwrapped it you'll see that the gift is a GUEST WRITER! It's my sister ABBY!!! YEAH! REALLY!

Don't get too excited. You'll hurt my feelings.

I'm still here.

After watching Twilight and Twilight: New Moon with my sister Abby, she decided that she wanted to place finger to key and write her feelings refuting my previous blog (waits for clapping to die down) thank you, about the epic saga.

Editor's Note: she is a fool.

So without further ado...

5 Reasons Why You Should NOT Date Edward Cullen

By: Abby Gunderson

Besides the obvious reasons that Edward Cullen is an Albino, blood-sucking vampire who has an overwhelming urge to bite you and suck your blood, there are 5 other reasons why Edward is a bad choice in a life partner.

1) He is a Player

"Do you know how long I have waited for you?" -Edward (1st Twilight movie)

Really, Edward? You expect me to believe that for over 100 years, you didn't once think about hooking up with some hottie behind the bleachers after Homecoming? Even during the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's? Those chicks were liberated and stoned. What's not to love?

But you know what, Edward knows exactly what he is doing and plays Bella like a hand of cards; sad, vulnerable, low self-esteem cards with daddy issues.

Game plan:

First - Edward undoubtably has some I'm-so-artsy Moleskin journal filled with pick-up lines that he drops like its hot. Such as, “Every day you breathe is a gift.” Bella thought this sentiment was sweetly whispered in the moment. BUT he actually first used that line on Dame Judi Dench back in 1952.

Then - he lets the girl think she has figured out his little secret. As such...

Bella: "You're a vampire."

Edward: "Oh really, you discovered that I am a Vampire? How clever you are. I can't believe you saw through the albino skin, yellow eyes, and the whole saving-you-from-that-car-wreck thing. How free I feel now that you know my secret! Let's go make out in the forest."

Editor's Note: They didn't make out in the forest. They stared lovingly into each other's eyes. Also, nothing is wrong with Moleskin journals. This editor isn't biased but if he/she were, he/she is sure that Moleskin is an entirely acceptable way to deal with all of your many feelings.

Final Move - he talks the girl out of the idea that she too needs to be an immortal Vampire in order that they can be together forever. C'mon I mean, wouldn't you? Edward just wants to be with Bella while she is young, hot and sultry. They can have a few laughs, prance through the forest, and pop out some half-breed kids. Then, once her junk goes bad, she dies and he starts the game all over again.

Well played, Cullen.

Editor's Note: The editor has read the books, unlike the guest author, and he/she knows that Bella and Edward do want to be together forever. They love each other and nothing will ever change that. Also, maybe it's not so bad to be a half-breed kid. Maybe if the guest author was a half-breed, she wouldn't be so lame and prone to the common cold.

2) He is addicted to drugs

You thought those dark circles under his eyes were because he is one of the UnDead.

False.

Editor's Note: True.

As evidence, I quote Edward himself: "You are like my own personal brand of heroine". How would you know, Edward? How would you know? I mean, the guy was gone for like half of the New Moon movie.

Where was he??

I'll tell you where he was: in a gutter somewhere in Amsterdam sleeping it off, that's where.

Editor's Note: No, he wasn't. You don't even know him. He isn't like that. Lay off.

3) He is obviously the product of two first cousins.

Editor's Note: No, YOU'RE obviously the product of two first cousins. Frick.

Edward Cullen is an idiot. Let me ask you this: what kind of moron repeats high school - the worst years of one’s life - over and over and over again? While most of us spend years in therapy trying to forget the time in Satan's Lair, this genius agreed to the arrangement in the first place!

I can imagine the conversation:

Dr. Cullen: Hey Edward, you don't look so well with that Spanish influenza and all. I’ve got an idea, let’s be immortal and go to Algebra class, endure non-stop acne, and wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt."

Edward: "Sounds awesome! Bite my neck here, please"

Just because you look like a 17-year-old, Edward, doesn't mean you need to act like one. Many people in this world are short on years and go on to do more interesting things than go to 5th period PE and attend Prom. For instance - Lindsay Lohan, Doogie Howser, the BabySitters Club, and all those Chinese gymnasts.

Editor's Note: Fate brought Edward to perpetual high-schoolship. It brought him to Bella. The love of his life. The editor is sure that the guest author wouldn't love anything if she had to because her heart is so cold and dark.

4) Does Edward have White-American guilt on his side?

No. But Jacob does. As long as Uncle Sam lives with the daily guilt of giving Jacob's ancestors syphilis 250 years ago, that kid and his family are living the dream: free healthcare and education during the day, while running around shirtless at night on an Indian reservation.

Bella, let me give you some free advice: Go back to Jacob, pop out some halfsie-werewolf babies, and live a tax-free Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman existence at a casino somewhere in Nevada with the rest of the tribe. You won't regret it.

Editor's Note: WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID. Bella doesn't love Jacob, okay? She loves Edward. EDWARD. She loves Edward because he is beautiful and special and he isn't dating Taylor Swift.

5) He is Gay

Editor's Note: YOU'RE GAY.

I saved this one for last because it is so obvious.

That piano-playing scene in the first movie?

His perfectly coifed hair?

The Banana Republic wardrobe?

The baseball scene that implies "playing-for-both-teams”?

Oh, and the guy GLITTERS.

Fact: straight men don’t glitter in the sunlight. While he may be attracted to Bella's blood, I am [bi]curious as to whether or not he is interested in her X chromosome. I bet you tickets to a Cher concert that Edward just wants to put on Bella's dad's sheriff costume with a pair of cutoff denim shorts, drive down to SanFran, and DANCE.

Editor's Note: No. NO. You suck and you don't even love anything ever because this editor is sure that maybe if you did love something besides what you see in the mirror everyday you would know true beauty when you see it and guess what it's in Edward because he is really beautiful and not you and why is everything getting so dark in here? Is it hot? Where am I? Where are my pants?

Love Always,

Abby

Editor's Note: Don't worry guys. This is never going to happen again.

Ever.

I mean it.

I See You: A Loving Tribute to Avatar

Last night, after hours of debate, slammed doors and tears, I finally convinced some members of my family to see Avatar with me. Actually, only a few doors needed to be slammed because my dad was totally down for going. He claimed he was going to be with me but I know its because he really really really wanted to see Avatar. He thinks I have forgotten about the Eragon Viewing Of 2006 but I haven't. I'm still bitter that he made me see that with him.

Well, now we might be even.

I mean, it's no Eragon but it's also not exactly the next North by Northwest.

It's not even Star Trek. At least that had my boy, Spock to make the screen sizzle (yeah, I said it).

It's somewhere between absolute crap and majestic film making. I can't quite put my finger on where in the spectrum it falls, but one thing I know for sure: it falls somewhere on the line.

You're welcome.

But I digress.

(Would it really be a blog entry if I didn't?)

The story of Avatar is this:

It's 2154. A young wheelchair bounded man named Jake Sully ventures onto the mysterious planet, Pandora. He is assigned to an Avatar which, when he is hooked up to a little machine thing, lets him take over his Avatar's mind grapes with his own. It's science. Don't question it. Once he takes over his Avatar's body, he runs all over Pandora with his friends, Sigourney Weaver and Nameless Nerd Friend. I think his name is Will or something. He's really smart. I think he's supposed to be comic relief.

Anyway, once he is on Pandora he becomes friends with a beautiful and mysterious Avatar woman whose name I can't remember because she was half-naked. When she takes him to the tribe of Avatar, they want to kill him. But she defends them. Turns out, her mom and dad are the chiefs. Soon, she and Jake Sully are learning all about how wonderful trees are and how to be one with nature. Of course, they fall in love. But she is supposed to marry Kocoum!

WAIT.

Isn't this the story about Pocahontas? IT IS?

Look, I'm all for the story of Pocahontas. I just thought it had already been done. You know, in actual history. But now Sigourney Weaver is in on it so I guess that makes it even better.

I'll be real with you. I'm all for nature and trees and stuff. I even thought about planting a garden once! Yeah! It's true! But this movie made me feel guilty, not only being a white middle class America, but also for being a human! How could we do this to the aliens?? They are so peaceful and beautiful! And they have a spirit tree! How could we hate something with a spirit tree?? The closest thing we have to a spirit tree is Celine Dion!

You might be wondering how the story ends. I'll tell you.

After the humans, those filthy war machines, destroy everything good and beautiful about Pandora, they infect the Avatars with small pox. Then, to make up for it, they give the Avatars a small plot of land in Pandora where they are allowed to run casinos tax free.

God bless America. And James Cameron.

It's Oscar season, buddy, and I'm rooting for you.