Google searches I do (as it relates to the number of drinks I have had)

Google searches I do (as it relates to the number of drinks I have had)

1 drink = “Kate and William in LA”

2 drinks = “Kate’s wedding dress”

3 drinks = “Wedding dresses”

4 drinks = “Why don’t men like me?”

5 drinks = “how 2222 flirrtz bedder”

6 drinks = “E-Harmony”

Driving in the Snow or, How I Said My Lifetime Allotment of Expletives in Five Minutes.

The other day I tried to drive up a mountain at night. While it was snowing and icy.

Look, I have been raised in California. My family moved to here when I was about 6. I hardly have any memories of my life in the snowy tundra of Upstate New York (Motto: Bagels and lox? Only with a side of COW TONGUE). I really only have one solid memory of New York: standing in the front yard trying to navigate my way through the snow maze my brothers had made because the snow was above my head. ABOVE MY HEAD, PEOPLE.

So, since that is my last memory of dealing with snow (does the magical Christmas snow time at Disneyland count as snow? NO?), it should come as no surprise to anyone (ME) that any attempt to drive up a mountain road during falling snow at night should not NOT have even been considered. But gosh darn it! If I’m one thing, it’s adorable. And if I’m two things, it’s adorable and stubborn. Or maybe it’s adorable and stupid? Or sexy and stupid? Or charming and stubborn? So many qualities, I can’t begin to choose! Okay, stubborn and indecisive.

Wow. I didn’t win on that one.

So up the hill I went! I wanted to join my family on their fabulous vaca in Big Bear Lake. They had driven up before the snow had fallen but I stayed behind to attend some parties, class meetings, and The Eagle movie viewings (I will not apologize for watching that movie). I was dedicated to the idea of joining my family. I pictured a cozy fire and deer grazing in the snow right outside my window. Do deer graze in snow? (Seriously, I should not have been driving in this kind of weather).

So up I went.

My brother John was with me and let me just say, he was no help. He “claimed” to “know” how to “put on” the “snow chains” but we didn’t even get to the point where that was necessary. Once I made it to the base of the insane road that literally clings to the very precipice of the mountain, I was already screaming. I mean, this was real people. My windshield was fogging up. WHAT IS THAT? There was ice on the road so my car started swerving. WHERE AM I? It was cold and dark. WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

Once the chaos started to hit, you can imagine how I handled it. With my usual grace and dignity.

Which meant I started screaming “OH F* *K" over and over and over again.

This went on for a while. Actually, it went on like that as I pulled off the side of the road, turned around, and the whole time I drove back down the hill.

I’m pretty sure I would still be screaming expletives right now if once I got home I hadn’t watched the seminal classic “The Other Guys” featuring Marky Mark and Will Ferrell. (Oh, the hilarity!)

Also, I would like to point out that my brother was laughing at me the whole time this was going on. Apparently, he is someone who literally laughs in the face of death. I, on the other hand, drop some effers. Like a lady.

Rap Translation: Rocketeer

Rocketeer

Here we go, come with me

There's a world out there that we should see

Take my hand, close your eyes

With you right here, I'm a rocketeer

Hello, please, come with me.

There is a whole world to explore. Together.

Please, take my hand. Do close your eyes.

With you beside me, I’m a space version of a pioneer.

Let's fly

Up, up here we go

Up, up here we go

Let's fly

Up, up here we go, go

Where we stop nobody knows, knows

Let us fly!

Look! Up we go!

Look! Up we go!

Let us fly!

Look! Up we go!

Our final destination is known to no one. Known to no one.

Where we go we don't need roads, roads

Where we stop nobody knows, knows

To the stars if you really want it

Got, got a jetpack with your name on it

I can tell you this: where we are going has not benefited from the modern technology of roads or footpaths.

Our final destination is unknown.

We could go to the stars, if that is your desire.

See, I have a jetpack specifically assigned to you.

Above the clouds in the atmosphere, phere

Just say the words and we outta here, outta here

Hold my hand if you feeling scared, scared

We flying up, up outta here

We could go above the atmosphere: reaching above the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, or even the ionosphere! (see graph)

Just say “yes, let us do this!” and we will go henceforth!

Are you feeling fearful because we are entering levels of the earth’s atmosphere that will cause us to burst into flames?

Hold my hand and alleviate your fears!

Up we fly! Gravity cannot hold us!

Here we go, come with me

There's a world out there that we should see

Take my hand, close your eyes

With you right here, I'm a rocketeer,

Hello, please, come with me.

There is a whole wide world to explore. Together.

Please, take my hand. Do close your eyes.

With you beside me, I’m a space version of a pioneer.

Baby, we can stay fly like a G6

Shop the streets of Tokyo, get you fly kicks

Infant or lover, we can remain fashionable like a mid-size Pontiac

We can go shopping in the capital of Japan

And there, we will buy you fashionable shoes

Girl you always on my mind, got my head up in the sky

And I'm never looking down feeling priceless, yeah

Where we at, only few have known

Go on the next level, Super Mario

I hope this works out, Cardio

Til' then let's fly, Geronimo

Female, you are ever in my thoughts, and my head is in the sky.

Literally.

I won’t look down because there is no price range for me.

Yeah.

Where we are is exclusive and limited to only a select few.

Let us move on to the next level of our relationship, one half of an iconic Italian video game duo.

I hope we are able to maintain this relationship, cardiovascular aerobic exercise

Until we determine the strength of our relationship let us fly, prominent Native American warrior.

Chorus

Nah, I never been in space before

But I never seen a face like yours

You make me feel like I could touch the planets

You want the moon, girl watch me grab it

See I ain't never seen the stars this close

You got me struck by the way you glow

I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh

No, I have never been beyond the Earth’s atmosphere before.

But, I have never seen a facial structure like yours

You make me feel like I could defy the laws of physics and literally touch another planet in our galaxy.

Would you like Earth’s only natural satellite?

Female, watch me actually pull it out it’s orbit.

I have never seen a star as close as right now

You have stricken me with the glow emanating from your face.

I’m saying, “Oh, oh, oh, oh”

I’m saying, “Oh, oh, oh, oh”

Here we go, come with me

There's a world out there that we should see

Take my hand, close your eyes

With you right here, I'm a rocketeer

Love baby

No, Kaplan, YOU are a failure.

Things that are better than studying for the LSATS

-The death scene from Little Women

- Hitting a puppy with your car

- Bennifer

- Leaving your sunroof open in a car wash

- People refusin’ to use the letter “g” in order to make the word “cuter”

- Failing a TB test

-Jack/Leonardo di Caprio dying at the end of Titanic

- Titanic, generally.

- Somalian pirates

- Poland’s GDP

- What happens to your bowels after eating Ethiopian food

I don’t like studying for the LSATs.

Rap Translation: Like A G6

Hello friends,

The moment comes for every person: Their iPod dies.

They are lost and alone in a sea of traffic. So they turn on the radio.

And a song comes on that is unlike any other.

Because it is beautiful. It is whimsical.

It has a legit hook that, quite literally, has captured your heart.

It has multiple drug references.

And it is all you can do not to not listen to it, with a slight tear in your eye.

But what does it mean?

What is a G6? What is fizz? Can one really (and I mean really) get "slizzared"... and what does that actually do to your mental, emotional and physical abilities?

CALM DOWN.

It is in response to these, and many other questions, that I present to you (with the help of Urban Dictionary):

"Like A G6"

The Translation.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Gimme that Mo-Moet

Gimme that Cry-Crystal

Ladies love my style, at my table gettin wild

Get them bottles poppin, we get that drip and that drop

Now give me 2 more bottles cuz you know it don’t stop

Please, give me that variety of champagne.

Please, give me that Cocaine.

The women love the way I spend my free time

Indeed, they are enjoying themselves at my table.

We open bottles. They make dripping noises. Because they are liquid.

And momma didn’t raise no fool. I know what liquids sounds like.

Please, give me two more bottles.

You know from past experience, this will not end anytime soon.

(808) Hell Yeaa

Drink it up, drink-drink it up,

When sober girls around me, they be actin like they drunk

They be actin like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk

When sober girls around me actin-actin like they drunk

Hell. Yes. (Excitement)

Drink these beverages! Drink these beverages!

Even those women who are sober appear to become intoxicated by my very presence.

They act intoxicated, they act, they act, intoxicated.

Even women who are sober appear to become intoxicated by my very presence.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Sippin on, sippin on sizz, Ima ma-make it fizz

Girl i keep it gangsta, poppin bottles at the crib

This is how we live, every single night

Take that bottle to the head, and let me see you fly

I enjoy free-basing black tar heroine on aluminum foil. I make it high.

And when I say this, I mean I become high. From free-basing off black tar heroine.

Young woman, I am a member of a gang, you can tell because I open bottles at my home.

This is how I enjoy every evening of the week.

Please, allow this alcoholic beverage to impare your judgment.

I want to see what you act like when you believe you can fly like a mid-sized Pontiac.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Its that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up

Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up

(You can’t Touch this)

Its that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up

Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up

(You can’t Touch this)

Hell Yeaaa, Make you put yo hands up, put yo put yo hands up

Hell Yeaaa, Make you put yo hands up, put yo put yo hands up

The base from the stereo causes your hands to rise.

Indeed, it forces you to put your hands up, your hands up, your hands up.

(You cannot touch me, because I have far exceeded your capacity for comprehension.)

The base from the stereo causes your hands to rise.

Indeed, it forces you to put your hands up, your hands up, your hands up.

You cannot touch me.

Hell. Yesss. You must put your hands up, put your hands up.

Repeat.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Reason #3467 why I will probably die alone.

Every Sunday, I stop at one particular Starbucks near my parent’s house. It’s the only time I ever go to this Starbucks because I am only near my parent's house on Sundays.

But I always look forward to this little stop because it is there that my mysterious Starbucks barista(o?) boyfriend lives.

He actually lives in the Starbucks. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a life outside of that building.

If he does, it doesn’t matter to me.

The point is: he is a Starbucks employee. And I love him.

“Great!” you think to yourself, “if she FINALLY gets a man, she’ll stop writing these ridiculous blogs and I can enjoy the interweb in peace."

You fool! You have counted your eggs before they have hatched.

Because Starbucks man and I will NEVER BE TOGETHER.

“Why?” you ask yourself, “aren’t you two meant to be? Don’t you always share a laugh over the weather? Does he not understand your abiding love for grande soy lattes? Don’t you love his adorable nerdy hipster glasses??”

YES. IT IS ALL TRUE.

But we will NEVER BE TOGETHER because I am INCONVENIENTLY AWKWARD.

He probably thinks I’m a lunatic because I actually turn mute whenever he and I talk (or, “talk”….he is the only one who talks).

APPARENTLY, I have absolutely nothing to say the supposed future father of my children because I suddenly turn into a shy introvert who would rather knit than make eye contact. When did I turn into a person who likes video games? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

You might be wondering what exactly I mean by this.

Fortunately for you, Starbucks security cameras have visually documented these encounters.