I do colds better than you

This morning, as I was coughing up my internal organs while lying in my bed, I realized how pretentious colds are.

Really, they think they're all that.

And they are.

Let's examine the various aspects of this particular illness and then reflect on how much more it's into indie music than we are.

a) Chicken Noodle Soup

Sure it's a classic part of every illness, but it's so arrogant! Think about it. What other everyday soup has both poultry AND noodles? It's trying to take over two industries in one can! Plus, the broth is clearly inspired by French Onion Soup, which everyone knows is a soup that thinks really highly of itself. Also, Chicken Noodle Soup demands your allegiance for the duration of your sickness. "oh." it says, when you get out some bread to make yourself a sandwich. "I mean, don't get me wrong, sandwiches are great... I just didn't think label you as someone who, when you have a sore throat, voluntarily swallows sandpaper".

It even watches with smug satisfaction as you shamefully put away the bread and get out the can opener.

b) Cold Medicine

It's expensive. It demands you take it every 4 to 6 hours. It usually comes packaged in impossible to open little foil envelopes. Everything about it is elitist.

Plus, consider the names. Sudafed? Theraflu? What's next...EmergenC? Exactly. Cold Medicine made specifically for emergent church goers.

c) Snuggies

During this particular illness, I was able to use the Snuggie that my sister, Abby, just sent me (shout out!).

While a lot of people enjoy making fun of Snuggies, that's only because this incredibly innovative and successful blanket has made them feel inferior. Snuggies have only been around for a couple of years and its famous!

You're 24 and no one knows your name.

I can understand why you're insecure in its presence.

Besides, it's the perfect blanket for being sick. I wasn't forced to make the Sophie's choice between warmth and reading a book! Thanks, Snuggie!

d) Blowing your nose.

Nothing says, "Don't mind me. I'm just better than you!" than quietly blowing your nose. I know, I know. You're thinking that you need to blow your nose. Otherwise you'll be sick forever! All I'm saying is that this little act lets everyone around you know that you are going through a time of incredibly hip behavior and they should probably feel like what they're wearing isn't as cool as what you're wearing.

e) Staying inside for the weekend.

So, you're sick. Now you can't make it to events. You have to cancel on lunch dates. You don't come to work or class. Sounds like somebody IS sick... of all the losers they usually associate with.

Instead of pretending to care about other people's problems, you stay inside, with your Snuggie, and watch the History Channel. Also, you read books. And sleep. Like some kind of Eastern European royal. Congratulations, you're pretentious.

f) Orange juice

Someone had to pick that by hand. Someone else had to go to college and get a degree in mechanical engineering to design a machine to squeeze the juice. Someone else had to get a degree from Yale in chemistry to make you think it tastes like real oranges. Some guy who happens to live near the headquarters in Missouri had to taste-test that kind to make sure you would enjoy it. Some truck driver had to drive it to your local grocery store. Some high schooler had to stock it while texting his girlfriend. You bought it and drink it because it has Vitamin C.

Yeah, you know who you are. Someone who deserves the best that society can offer.

I text like it's my duty to the world

The other day, my friend Abbie and I were sitting at a frozen yogurt place in San Diego called "Berries and Beans".

I'm not sure why they call it that.

Actually, that's really weird. And a little annoying.

How hard is it to accurately name something? Yogurtland seems to get it (a land of yogurt!) why can't you, Berries and Beans? No, I do NOT want your punch card. Everyone will think I'm an idiot for carrying around your lame name next to my credit card. I'm important, Berries and Beans. VERY IMPORTANT.

But I digress.

As we were sitting at (insert stupid name here), on the really comfy couches they so sensitively provide, we found ourselves engrossed in an issue of Seventeen magazine. Imagine our surprise to learn what boys are really thinking!

So, you're telling me they like it when a girl plays hard to get by having a boyfriend? Thanks Carlos, 15!

Anyway(s), as we continued to read (and, consequently, saw more pictures of the cast of Twilight than anyone one person should every be subject to... unless, of course, the government needs to extract information from them) we stumbled across a fascinating article about how to text to get yourself a boyfriend!

Naturally, we felt the need to study this with an intensity that we have never displayed in our official academic pursuits. But really, when is New-Historicism critical theory every going to get me invited to a party with Jon, 16?

Here are some important lessons I learned that I felt would be important (dare I say, life channging?) to share with you, my readership.

DO:

Send him a fun and flirty text like, "hey qt! what r u doing 2nite? ;)"

DON'T:

Ask him intense questions like, "did u hook up w/ [insert name here. probably vanessa] last nite?"

DO:

Make pretend dates! Like, if he insults you... say something cute like, "ouch! u owe me an ice cream 4 that 1!"

DON'T:

Make him wait longer than 5 minutes for a text. Otherwise he will think you aren't into him!

DO:

Look more like [insert latest disney channel child star here] in order to attract Ryan, 14. Sure, he might be shorter than you because he hasn't hit his growth spurt and his mom still registers him for classes, but isn't it great to have someone validate you?

DON'T:

Pay attention in school. What, are you too lame to spend all of your history class actually listening to the teacher instead of texting Luke, 35?

Here is a profound thought I discovered on Seventeen.com:

I don't know if this will help in any of your situations, but here are some things i have learned from guys... -when they say "idk" when you ask them a serious question...a question they probly dont wanna hear/answer...the "idk" represents the answer you probly dont want to hear, i.e.- you have plans to hook up with an ex and then you ask if youre ever going to get back together, he says idk, usually that means no. -not all guys, but most don't put to much effort into ttheir conversations. so don't freak out with their stupid one worded answers, just as long as they occasionally say something sweet that suprises you. -however, you should definately know a guy likes you if he actually carries on a long conversation, that every answer is more than one word, and he asks questions back. you should be veryyyy happy cuz guys dont do this all the time. -NOT ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THIS. but most know what to say and how to say it to get girls to do whatever they want. all guys know what to say to make us girls fall to their feet, but some actually do mean it. you have to watch your self. -i know how it is to want to go crawling back to your ex, but the best idea is to move on. it will be the hardest thing in your life to do, but once you do it, you will realize how much better you are without him, and how stupid you wouldve looked going back to him just for a hook up.

.... yeah, you are welcome.

Recycling and Natural Medicine

Just for fun, I looked up the list "Stuff White People Like" to see how white I really am.

The results were not that surprising.

-Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

I feel rage whenever I see those shirts. White hot rage.

- Moleskin Notebooks

I actually used one today to write about my feelings. I have a lot of them. For a taste of what those might be like, please consider indie music.

- Taking a year off

White-er points: Today's "taking a year off" consideration was Teach For America. I think the only diversity displayed in that program is on the website.

- Sea Salt

I actually have a bottle of sea salt in my closet. I'm not sure why.

- Hummus

Lunch.

- The Onion

I once seriously considered replacing CNN as my homepage in favor of The Onion. Pretension, masked as a "desire to be informed", won out and CNN remains the first thing I see when I used my Mac to sign onto the internet.

- Dinner Parties

I'll just let the website do the talking on this one: "The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonalds wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work."

- Public Radio

"This American Life" makes me happy, especially when I'm cooking (using organic food only, of course).

-David Sedaris

I feel as if this list is peeking into my very soul. My white, white soul.

And my personal favorite,

- Breakfast Places

Lately, my friend and I have been going to a little place in downtown Fullerton for Saturday breakfasts. Everything we order is organic, even the coffee. We sit at the tables set up on the sidewalk outside, with older white couples with their dogs and New York Times crosswords. Once, a camera crew from a local news station came up to interview people about our Memorial Day plans. They practically cried when they realized that sitting there in the cafe was the local owner of an art gallery. White person paradise.

So there you have it. Feel free to use this list to gauge how white you are.

Because,

self-awareness is a good thing.

Also, ugly sweater parties.