I text like it's my duty to the world

The other day, my friend Abbie and I were sitting at a frozen yogurt place in San Diego called "Berries and Beans".

I'm not sure why they call it that.

Actually, that's really weird. And a little annoying.

How hard is it to accurately name something? Yogurtland seems to get it (a land of yogurt!) why can't you, Berries and Beans? No, I do NOT want your punch card. Everyone will think I'm an idiot for carrying around your lame name next to my credit card. I'm important, Berries and Beans. VERY IMPORTANT.

But I digress.

As we were sitting at (insert stupid name here), on the really comfy couches they so sensitively provide, we found ourselves engrossed in an issue of Seventeen magazine. Imagine our surprise to learn what boys are really thinking!

So, you're telling me they like it when a girl plays hard to get by having a boyfriend? Thanks Carlos, 15!

Anyway(s), as we continued to read (and, consequently, saw more pictures of the cast of Twilight than anyone one person should every be subject to... unless, of course, the government needs to extract information from them) we stumbled across a fascinating article about how to text to get yourself a boyfriend!

Naturally, we felt the need to study this with an intensity that we have never displayed in our official academic pursuits. But really, when is New-Historicism critical theory every going to get me invited to a party with Jon, 16?

Here are some important lessons I learned that I felt would be important (dare I say, life channging?) to share with you, my readership.

DO:

Send him a fun and flirty text like, "hey qt! what r u doing 2nite? ;)"

DON'T:

Ask him intense questions like, "did u hook up w/ [insert name here. probably vanessa] last nite?"

DO:

Make pretend dates! Like, if he insults you... say something cute like, "ouch! u owe me an ice cream 4 that 1!"

DON'T:

Make him wait longer than 5 minutes for a text. Otherwise he will think you aren't into him!

DO:

Look more like [insert latest disney channel child star here] in order to attract Ryan, 14. Sure, he might be shorter than you because he hasn't hit his growth spurt and his mom still registers him for classes, but isn't it great to have someone validate you?

DON'T:

Pay attention in school. What, are you too lame to spend all of your history class actually listening to the teacher instead of texting Luke, 35?

Here is a profound thought I discovered on Seventeen.com:

I don't know if this will help in any of your situations, but here are some things i have learned from guys... -when they say "idk" when you ask them a serious question...a question they probly dont wanna hear/answer...the "idk" represents the answer you probly dont want to hear, i.e.- you have plans to hook up with an ex and then you ask if youre ever going to get back together, he says idk, usually that means no. -not all guys, but most don't put to much effort into ttheir conversations. so don't freak out with their stupid one worded answers, just as long as they occasionally say something sweet that suprises you. -however, you should definately know a guy likes you if he actually carries on a long conversation, that every answer is more than one word, and he asks questions back. you should be veryyyy happy cuz guys dont do this all the time. -NOT ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THIS. but most know what to say and how to say it to get girls to do whatever they want. all guys know what to say to make us girls fall to their feet, but some actually do mean it. you have to watch your self. -i know how it is to want to go crawling back to your ex, but the best idea is to move on. it will be the hardest thing in your life to do, but once you do it, you will realize how much better you are without him, and how stupid you wouldve looked going back to him just for a hook up.

.... yeah, you are welcome.