I do colds better than you

This morning, as I was coughing up my internal organs while lying in my bed, I realized how pretentious colds are.

Really, they think they're all that.

And they are.

Let's examine the various aspects of this particular illness and then reflect on how much more it's into indie music than we are.

a) Chicken Noodle Soup

Sure it's a classic part of every illness, but it's so arrogant! Think about it. What other everyday soup has both poultry AND noodles? It's trying to take over two industries in one can! Plus, the broth is clearly inspired by French Onion Soup, which everyone knows is a soup that thinks really highly of itself. Also, Chicken Noodle Soup demands your allegiance for the duration of your sickness. "oh." it says, when you get out some bread to make yourself a sandwich. "I mean, don't get me wrong, sandwiches are great... I just didn't think label you as someone who, when you have a sore throat, voluntarily swallows sandpaper".

It even watches with smug satisfaction as you shamefully put away the bread and get out the can opener.

b) Cold Medicine

It's expensive. It demands you take it every 4 to 6 hours. It usually comes packaged in impossible to open little foil envelopes. Everything about it is elitist.

Plus, consider the names. Sudafed? Theraflu? What's next...EmergenC? Exactly. Cold Medicine made specifically for emergent church goers.

c) Snuggies

During this particular illness, I was able to use the Snuggie that my sister, Abby, just sent me (shout out!).

While a lot of people enjoy making fun of Snuggies, that's only because this incredibly innovative and successful blanket has made them feel inferior. Snuggies have only been around for a couple of years and its famous!

You're 24 and no one knows your name.

I can understand why you're insecure in its presence.

Besides, it's the perfect blanket for being sick. I wasn't forced to make the Sophie's choice between warmth and reading a book! Thanks, Snuggie!

d) Blowing your nose.

Nothing says, "Don't mind me. I'm just better than you!" than quietly blowing your nose. I know, I know. You're thinking that you need to blow your nose. Otherwise you'll be sick forever! All I'm saying is that this little act lets everyone around you know that you are going through a time of incredibly hip behavior and they should probably feel like what they're wearing isn't as cool as what you're wearing.

e) Staying inside for the weekend.

So, you're sick. Now you can't make it to events. You have to cancel on lunch dates. You don't come to work or class. Sounds like somebody IS sick... of all the losers they usually associate with.

Instead of pretending to care about other people's problems, you stay inside, with your Snuggie, and watch the History Channel. Also, you read books. And sleep. Like some kind of Eastern European royal. Congratulations, you're pretentious.

f) Orange juice

Someone had to pick that by hand. Someone else had to go to college and get a degree in mechanical engineering to design a machine to squeeze the juice. Someone else had to get a degree from Yale in chemistry to make you think it tastes like real oranges. Some guy who happens to live near the headquarters in Missouri had to taste-test that kind to make sure you would enjoy it. Some truck driver had to drive it to your local grocery store. Some high schooler had to stock it while texting his girlfriend. You bought it and drink it because it has Vitamin C.

Yeah, you know who you are. Someone who deserves the best that society can offer.