Reason #3467 why I will probably die alone.

Every Sunday, I stop at one particular Starbucks near my parent’s house. It’s the only time I ever go to this Starbucks because I am only near my parent's house on Sundays.

But I always look forward to this little stop because it is there that my mysterious Starbucks barista(o?) boyfriend lives.

He actually lives in the Starbucks. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a life outside of that building.

If he does, it doesn’t matter to me.

The point is: he is a Starbucks employee. And I love him.

“Great!” you think to yourself, “if she FINALLY gets a man, she’ll stop writing these ridiculous blogs and I can enjoy the interweb in peace."

You fool! You have counted your eggs before they have hatched.

Because Starbucks man and I will NEVER BE TOGETHER.

“Why?” you ask yourself, “aren’t you two meant to be? Don’t you always share a laugh over the weather? Does he not understand your abiding love for grande soy lattes? Don’t you love his adorable nerdy hipster glasses??”

YES. IT IS ALL TRUE.

But we will NEVER BE TOGETHER because I am INCONVENIENTLY AWKWARD.

He probably thinks I’m a lunatic because I actually turn mute whenever he and I talk (or, “talk”….he is the only one who talks).

APPARENTLY, I have absolutely nothing to say the supposed future father of my children because I suddenly turn into a shy introvert who would rather knit than make eye contact. When did I turn into a person who likes video games? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

You might be wondering what exactly I mean by this.

Fortunately for you, Starbucks security cameras have visually documented these encounters.

A blog about BIRDS

*This blog post is dedicated to Ilana. Because she is terrified of birds. You are a prophet, Ilana. You always saw it coming. You’re the best one of us all.*

The birds have been doing some crazy stuff lately. I’m not kidding. It’s getting to be ridiculous and I would really appreciate it if they would stop because I’m starting to wonder if the Apocalypse is coming or if they are finally joining forces to kill all humans. We always knew it was a possibility. They always could have joined forces but something kept them from doing it. Some kind of pride or tribal warfare. Who knows why they have always lived alone but the point is they’re acting out now and I don’t like it.

As I said before, my friend Ilana has always seen it coming. There are two true things about Ilana. 1) She wears ridiculously cute clothes all the time and 2) she is terrified of birds. Even the mention of them freaks her out. Now, most people might think this is a weird thing to be afraid of. There are so many other things to worry about, they say. Nuclear war, terrorism, car accidents, cancer, clowns in the shower! Why spend your worry points thinking about birds? They’re so cute and little. And even if you don’t necessarily enjoy them, you can at least think they’re too ignorant and/or wrapped up in territorial disputes to be of any concern to the human population. But we have been fools! All of us! (Minus Ilana, naturally). The birds are coming and it IS NOT IN PEACE. This is not a test! THEY MEAN US HARM!

You might be casually reading this. You might chuckle softly and think, “Ah birds. They cannot harm me!”

FALSE.

How do I know?

EVIDENCE.

ITEM ONE: Today, I saw a bird flying with ITS WINGS BEHIND ITS BACK. WHAT IS THAT. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. That bird is clearly tapping into the black arts.

ITEM TWO: There is a pigeon that lives in my complex and it is freaky as hell. It just sits there. Quietly. Patiently. It doesn’t even pretend to be alarmed when I walk up to where it’s sitting on the railing. It just looks at me. Like it knows something I don’t know. Like it was at a secret bird meeting yesterday where one of the mad bird scientists unveiled The Master Plan To Destroy All Humans.

I can tell this pigeon thinking, “I’m not afraid of you, human. For years I’ve flown away as you drew near because I thought you could hurt me. But now the tables have turned. Oh yes, the tables have turned indeed. And now I have the power! No longer will I fly away because YOU CAN’T HURT ME. THERE IS A PLAN AND I AM PART OF IT” and then it laughs eviley which to my simple human ears sounds like a soft pigeon “coo”. But I know it is sinister because I feel a chill pierce my heart.

ITEM THREE: a bird literally walked in front of my car last week. I had to swerve not to hit it. It was trying to kill me. And it did it so casually. It had so much disregard for life. Like it knew that it was part of something bigger and if it had to die in an attempt to kill just one human, it would be worth the sacrifice. I know that previously these birds have worked alone because of gang rivalries but now they are united and their sense of community and The One For The Many mentality is strong. It makes them dangerous. The wild cards of the Earth.

ITEM FOUR: I was in the gymnasium at my school the other day and there was a bird flying around the rafters. You know what this means? WE HAVE BEEN INVADED. The birds are making contact!. Showing how far they are willing to go. They are trying to unnerve us and show how easily our defenses can be penetrated by the enemy. They’re showing us how simple it is to cross the invisible line between human spaces and bird spaces. The boundary has been blurred. If we humans were to try to fight against the birds, would we even know where to shoot? Anyone could be a bird now. My mom, my neighbor, my teacher - even Ilana might be a bird in disguise! Anyone!! We can’t trust anyone now because the birds have taken over!

ITEM FIVE: A bird literally walked right up to me and looked at me. Looked at me!! Waiting for food! Well, that was it. I stood up and screamed, “NOW YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR, BIRDS. FIRST YOU TAKE MY HUMANITY AND NOW THIS? IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU? YOU WANT EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! HERE. HAVE MY BREAD. HAVE IT ALL. YOU’VE ALREADY TAKEN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS TO ME WHAT IS ONE MORE THING?? TAKE IT ALL.”

So, I’m in hiding now.

I know the birds are coming.

And when they do, I’ll be ready.