Driving in the Snow or, How I Said My Lifetime Allotment of Expletives in Five Minutes.

The other day I tried to drive up a mountain at night. While it was snowing and icy.

Look, I have been raised in California. My family moved to here when I was about 6. I hardly have any memories of my life in the snowy tundra of Upstate New York (Motto: Bagels and lox? Only with a side of COW TONGUE). I really only have one solid memory of New York: standing in the front yard trying to navigate my way through the snow maze my brothers had made because the snow was above my head. ABOVE MY HEAD, PEOPLE.

So, since that is my last memory of dealing with snow (does the magical Christmas snow time at Disneyland count as snow? NO?), it should come as no surprise to anyone (ME) that any attempt to drive up a mountain road during falling snow at night should not NOT have even been considered. But gosh darn it! If I’m one thing, it’s adorable. And if I’m two things, it’s adorable and stubborn. Or maybe it’s adorable and stupid? Or sexy and stupid? Or charming and stubborn? So many qualities, I can’t begin to choose! Okay, stubborn and indecisive.

Wow. I didn’t win on that one.

So up the hill I went! I wanted to join my family on their fabulous vaca in Big Bear Lake. They had driven up before the snow had fallen but I stayed behind to attend some parties, class meetings, and The Eagle movie viewings (I will not apologize for watching that movie). I was dedicated to the idea of joining my family. I pictured a cozy fire and deer grazing in the snow right outside my window. Do deer graze in snow? (Seriously, I should not have been driving in this kind of weather).

So up I went.

My brother John was with me and let me just say, he was no help. He “claimed” to “know” how to “put on” the “snow chains” but we didn’t even get to the point where that was necessary. Once I made it to the base of the insane road that literally clings to the very precipice of the mountain, I was already screaming. I mean, this was real people. My windshield was fogging up. WHAT IS THAT? There was ice on the road so my car started swerving. WHERE AM I? It was cold and dark. WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

Once the chaos started to hit, you can imagine how I handled it. With my usual grace and dignity.

Which meant I started screaming “OH F* *K" over and over and over again.

This went on for a while. Actually, it went on like that as I pulled off the side of the road, turned around, and the whole time I drove back down the hill.

I’m pretty sure I would still be screaming expletives right now if once I got home I hadn’t watched the seminal classic “The Other Guys” featuring Marky Mark and Will Ferrell. (Oh, the hilarity!)

Also, I would like to point out that my brother was laughing at me the whole time this was going on. Apparently, he is someone who literally laughs in the face of death. I, on the other hand, drop some effers. Like a lady.