I See You: A Loving Tribute to Avatar

Last night, after hours of debate, slammed doors and tears, I finally convinced some members of my family to see Avatar with me. Actually, only a few doors needed to be slammed because my dad was totally down for going. He claimed he was going to be with me but I know its because he really really really wanted to see Avatar. He thinks I have forgotten about the Eragon Viewing Of 2006 but I haven't. I'm still bitter that he made me see that with him.

Well, now we might be even.

I mean, it's no Eragon but it's also not exactly the next North by Northwest.

It's not even Star Trek. At least that had my boy, Spock to make the screen sizzle (yeah, I said it).

It's somewhere between absolute crap and majestic film making. I can't quite put my finger on where in the spectrum it falls, but one thing I know for sure: it falls somewhere on the line.

You're welcome.

But I digress.

(Would it really be a blog entry if I didn't?)

The story of Avatar is this:

It's 2154. A young wheelchair bounded man named Jake Sully ventures onto the mysterious planet, Pandora. He is assigned to an Avatar which, when he is hooked up to a little machine thing, lets him take over his Avatar's mind grapes with his own. It's science. Don't question it. Once he takes over his Avatar's body, he runs all over Pandora with his friends, Sigourney Weaver and Nameless Nerd Friend. I think his name is Will or something. He's really smart. I think he's supposed to be comic relief.

Anyway, once he is on Pandora he becomes friends with a beautiful and mysterious Avatar woman whose name I can't remember because she was half-naked. When she takes him to the tribe of Avatar, they want to kill him. But she defends them. Turns out, her mom and dad are the chiefs. Soon, she and Jake Sully are learning all about how wonderful trees are and how to be one with nature. Of course, they fall in love. But she is supposed to marry Kocoum!

WAIT.

Isn't this the story about Pocahontas? IT IS?

Look, I'm all for the story of Pocahontas. I just thought it had already been done. You know, in actual history. But now Sigourney Weaver is in on it so I guess that makes it even better.

I'll be real with you. I'm all for nature and trees and stuff. I even thought about planting a garden once! Yeah! It's true! But this movie made me feel guilty, not only being a white middle class America, but also for being a human! How could we do this to the aliens?? They are so peaceful and beautiful! And they have a spirit tree! How could we hate something with a spirit tree?? The closest thing we have to a spirit tree is Celine Dion!

You might be wondering how the story ends. I'll tell you.

After the humans, those filthy war machines, destroy everything good and beautiful about Pandora, they infect the Avatars with small pox. Then, to make up for it, they give the Avatars a small plot of land in Pandora where they are allowed to run casinos tax free.

God bless America. And James Cameron.

It's Oscar season, buddy, and I'm rooting for you.