RESOLUTIONS. I HAS THEM.

Because this is the time of year that alls the people of the world make resolutions, even the President and Matt Damon, I decided that I too would resolve to do some things that I will undoubtably only do until February.

Because I know you all love me so much, I am sharing this list with you.

Resolved:

To be better at everything.

Look, I don’t think this is too much to ask. I just want to try to be better at anything and everything I try, without having to work too hard to do it. I think if I just set my mind to it, and meditate more often, this goal should be achievable. Note: I will be seriously pissed if this doesn’t come true.

Resolved:

To make all babies love me immediately and stop crying in my presence.

This will not only make me a goddess amongst mere mortals, it will also make everyone who is near me secretly harbor suspicion that I am actually some kind of woodland fairy. If I can calm babies, whose to say I can’t also calm angry trees and make lions my friends? WHO.

Resolved:

To not spend any money ever again*.

Really, this is the only way I’m going to be better than everyone. I am going to be just as fabulous as I always am but without spending a dime! How am I going to do this? I just told you! By not spending any money. It’s foolproof.

*Exception: Celine Dion tickets.

Resolved:

To conquer Origami

True, I did use up my lifetime ration of obscenities while trying to make one of those little swan things the last time I tried, but this year, I really am going to make a little swan thing! Yes. I am.

Here is My Five-Year Plan:

Year One: Master the art of origami through patience, perseverance and just following the #%$^& directions.

Year Two through Five: Become an origami master, teach classes and become famous. And, although my flesh may decay, my legacy as an origami sage will allow me to live forever. They will say that I was a bright star shooting through the atmosphere and lighting up the dark night sky of humanity.

Resolved:

To be lifted up on the shoulders of a crowd as they cheer for me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to deserve this. But I am going to do this. And I’m going to deserve it.

Resolved:

Get me a man. Or just get married. To a man.

Sure, this might not be “realistic” or even “normal behavior for a young woman” but I’m going to get married. Even if I have to get married at a chapel on the way to Las Vegas to a man who needs a green card, I’m going to do it. Get married, I mean.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING?

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME. I SEE YOU.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOU. YOU CAN'T HIDE.

I'M GOOD AT ORIGAMI.

So there you have it! My new year’s resolutions! Hope I didn’t get to needy on you towards the end there!

Oh…. well, you're fricking nuts too, I’m sure.