Love baby

No, Kaplan, YOU are a failure.

Things that are better than studying for the LSATS

-The death scene from Little Women

- Hitting a puppy with your car

- Bennifer

- Leaving your sunroof open in a car wash

- People refusin’ to use the letter “g” in order to make the word “cuter”

- Failing a TB test

-Jack/Leonardo di Caprio dying at the end of Titanic

- Titanic, generally.

- Somalian pirates

- Poland’s GDP

- What happens to your bowels after eating Ethiopian food

I don’t like studying for the LSATs.

Rap Translation: Like A G6

Hello friends,

The moment comes for every person: Their iPod dies.

They are lost and alone in a sea of traffic. So they turn on the radio.

And a song comes on that is unlike any other.

Because it is beautiful. It is whimsical.

It has a legit hook that, quite literally, has captured your heart.

It has multiple drug references.

And it is all you can do not to not listen to it, with a slight tear in your eye.

But what does it mean?

What is a G6? What is fizz? Can one really (and I mean really) get "slizzared"... and what does that actually do to your mental, emotional and physical abilities?

CALM DOWN.

It is in response to these, and many other questions, that I present to you (with the help of Urban Dictionary):

"Like A G6"

The Translation.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Gimme that Mo-Moet

Gimme that Cry-Crystal

Ladies love my style, at my table gettin wild

Get them bottles poppin, we get that drip and that drop

Now give me 2 more bottles cuz you know it don’t stop

Please, give me that variety of champagne.

Please, give me that Cocaine.

The women love the way I spend my free time

Indeed, they are enjoying themselves at my table.

We open bottles. They make dripping noises. Because they are liquid.

And momma didn’t raise no fool. I know what liquids sounds like.

Please, give me two more bottles.

You know from past experience, this will not end anytime soon.

(808) Hell Yeaa

Drink it up, drink-drink it up,

When sober girls around me, they be actin like they drunk

They be actin like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk

When sober girls around me actin-actin like they drunk

Hell. Yes. (Excitement)

Drink these beverages! Drink these beverages!

Even those women who are sober appear to become intoxicated by my very presence.

They act intoxicated, they act, they act, intoxicated.

Even women who are sober appear to become intoxicated by my very presence.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Sippin on, sippin on sizz, Ima ma-make it fizz

Girl i keep it gangsta, poppin bottles at the crib

This is how we live, every single night

Take that bottle to the head, and let me see you fly

I enjoy free-basing black tar heroine on aluminum foil. I make it high.

And when I say this, I mean I become high. From free-basing off black tar heroine.

Young woman, I am a member of a gang, you can tell because I open bottles at my home.

This is how I enjoy every evening of the week.

Please, allow this alcoholic beverage to impare your judgment.

I want to see what you act like when you believe you can fly like a mid-sized Pontiac.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Its that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up

Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up

(You can’t Touch this)

Its that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up

Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up

(You can’t Touch this)

Hell Yeaaa, Make you put yo hands up, put yo put yo hands up

Hell Yeaaa, Make you put yo hands up, put yo put yo hands up

The base from the stereo causes your hands to rise.

Indeed, it forces you to put your hands up, your hands up, your hands up.

(You cannot touch me, because I have far exceeded your capacity for comprehension.)

The base from the stereo causes your hands to rise.

Indeed, it forces you to put your hands up, your hands up, your hands up.

You cannot touch me.

Hell. Yesss. You must put your hands up, put your hands up.

Repeat.

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

As if it were in an icy storm, my drink has been chilled.

I drink it correctly. That is to say, I drink it in order to become intoxicated.

While driving in my car, I drink a flavored soda with Promethazine in order to impair my basic motor skills, therefore increasing my feeling of being like Three 6 Mafia, the hip-hop group.

I feel as if I am flying in either a mid-sized vehicle no longer made by Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet that costs $58.5 million.

Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream jet, Like a mid-sized Pontiac or a Gulfstream Jet

I feel like I am flying in a mid-sized Pontiac.

Reason #3467 why I will probably die alone.

Every Sunday, I stop at one particular Starbucks near my parent’s house. It’s the only time I ever go to this Starbucks because I am only near my parent's house on Sundays.

But I always look forward to this little stop because it is there that my mysterious Starbucks barista(o?) boyfriend lives.

He actually lives in the Starbucks. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a life outside of that building.

If he does, it doesn’t matter to me.

The point is: he is a Starbucks employee. And I love him.

“Great!” you think to yourself, “if she FINALLY gets a man, she’ll stop writing these ridiculous blogs and I can enjoy the interweb in peace."

You fool! You have counted your eggs before they have hatched.

Because Starbucks man and I will NEVER BE TOGETHER.

“Why?” you ask yourself, “aren’t you two meant to be? Don’t you always share a laugh over the weather? Does he not understand your abiding love for grande soy lattes? Don’t you love his adorable nerdy hipster glasses??”

YES. IT IS ALL TRUE.

But we will NEVER BE TOGETHER because I am INCONVENIENTLY AWKWARD.

He probably thinks I’m a lunatic because I actually turn mute whenever he and I talk (or, “talk”….he is the only one who talks).

APPARENTLY, I have absolutely nothing to say the supposed future father of my children because I suddenly turn into a shy introvert who would rather knit than make eye contact. When did I turn into a person who likes video games? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

You might be wondering what exactly I mean by this.

Fortunately for you, Starbucks security cameras have visually documented these encounters.

A blog about BIRDS

*This blog post is dedicated to Ilana. Because she is terrified of birds. You are a prophet, Ilana. You always saw it coming. You’re the best one of us all.*

The birds have been doing some crazy stuff lately. I’m not kidding. It’s getting to be ridiculous and I would really appreciate it if they would stop because I’m starting to wonder if the Apocalypse is coming or if they are finally joining forces to kill all humans. We always knew it was a possibility. They always could have joined forces but something kept them from doing it. Some kind of pride or tribal warfare. Who knows why they have always lived alone but the point is they’re acting out now and I don’t like it.

As I said before, my friend Ilana has always seen it coming. There are two true things about Ilana. 1) She wears ridiculously cute clothes all the time and 2) she is terrified of birds. Even the mention of them freaks her out. Now, most people might think this is a weird thing to be afraid of. There are so many other things to worry about, they say. Nuclear war, terrorism, car accidents, cancer, clowns in the shower! Why spend your worry points thinking about birds? They’re so cute and little. And even if you don’t necessarily enjoy them, you can at least think they’re too ignorant and/or wrapped up in territorial disputes to be of any concern to the human population. But we have been fools! All of us! (Minus Ilana, naturally). The birds are coming and it IS NOT IN PEACE. This is not a test! THEY MEAN US HARM!

You might be casually reading this. You might chuckle softly and think, “Ah birds. They cannot harm me!”

FALSE.

How do I know?

EVIDENCE.

ITEM ONE: Today, I saw a bird flying with ITS WINGS BEHIND ITS BACK. WHAT IS THAT. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. That bird is clearly tapping into the black arts.

ITEM TWO: There is a pigeon that lives in my complex and it is freaky as hell. It just sits there. Quietly. Patiently. It doesn’t even pretend to be alarmed when I walk up to where it’s sitting on the railing. It just looks at me. Like it knows something I don’t know. Like it was at a secret bird meeting yesterday where one of the mad bird scientists unveiled The Master Plan To Destroy All Humans.

I can tell this pigeon thinking, “I’m not afraid of you, human. For years I’ve flown away as you drew near because I thought you could hurt me. But now the tables have turned. Oh yes, the tables have turned indeed. And now I have the power! No longer will I fly away because YOU CAN’T HURT ME. THERE IS A PLAN AND I AM PART OF IT” and then it laughs eviley which to my simple human ears sounds like a soft pigeon “coo”. But I know it is sinister because I feel a chill pierce my heart.

ITEM THREE: a bird literally walked in front of my car last week. I had to swerve not to hit it. It was trying to kill me. And it did it so casually. It had so much disregard for life. Like it knew that it was part of something bigger and if it had to die in an attempt to kill just one human, it would be worth the sacrifice. I know that previously these birds have worked alone because of gang rivalries but now they are united and their sense of community and The One For The Many mentality is strong. It makes them dangerous. The wild cards of the Earth.

ITEM FOUR: I was in the gymnasium at my school the other day and there was a bird flying around the rafters. You know what this means? WE HAVE BEEN INVADED. The birds are making contact!. Showing how far they are willing to go. They are trying to unnerve us and show how easily our defenses can be penetrated by the enemy. They’re showing us how simple it is to cross the invisible line between human spaces and bird spaces. The boundary has been blurred. If we humans were to try to fight against the birds, would we even know where to shoot? Anyone could be a bird now. My mom, my neighbor, my teacher - even Ilana might be a bird in disguise! Anyone!! We can’t trust anyone now because the birds have taken over!

ITEM FIVE: A bird literally walked right up to me and looked at me. Looked at me!! Waiting for food! Well, that was it. I stood up and screamed, “NOW YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR, BIRDS. FIRST YOU TAKE MY HUMANITY AND NOW THIS? IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU? YOU WANT EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! HERE. HAVE MY BREAD. HAVE IT ALL. YOU’VE ALREADY TAKEN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS TO ME WHAT IS ONE MORE THING?? TAKE IT ALL.”

So, I’m in hiding now.

I know the birds are coming.

And when they do, I’ll be ready.

A call to arms!

Recently, my roommate Colleen's fiance's aunt sent her an email with a link to this inspirational story about medical clowning.

The aunt included this message:

Please take a few moments to become acquainted with the newest innovation that Israel is using to better the lives of sick children. It is very moving. Indeed, it is another great gift Israel is giving to the world.

That was we like to call a fiance's aunt truth bomb.

Thank you for taking the time to watch this call to arms. Remember, ask not what medical clowning can do for you, ask what you can do for medical clowning.

A niece is just a baby who is your brother's daughter.

Hi there. I know it's been awhile. What can I say? I've been busy growing out my nails and that makes typing really difficult. And let's face it: I'm lazy as trash.

Now that we've gotten through that...

Recently, my brother and his wife have successfully created a child. Actually, 9 months ago they created a child but about 10 days ago, they brought this into fruition.

I take a lot of credit for the birth being successful because I faithfully waited in the hospital to meet my niece. It was a long endeavor. You might think that my sister-in-law had to do all the work but you would be wrong. It was me. All me. And the peanuts and diet coke I got out the vending machine in the San Antonio community hospital cafeteria.

*Formal Complaint: the cafeteria is impossible to find because of rather ridiculous signage. I almost walked into the morgue 17 times in an effort to get some edible goods. Imagine the hilarious consequences if I had realized I wasn't eating food but dead human remains! Fun!

Anyway(s)

Because of my loving support and the small contribution of my sister-in-law (and even less so, my brother), into the world burst: Kiley (the niece) and life has been impossibly cute ever since. Seriously, every thing she does is so freaking cute I want to tear my arms off.

Even though Kiley is really little and hasn't managed to keep her eyes open for more than 10 minutes, she has already made a choice that concerns me deeply.

As you know, all infants are naturally endowed with an understanding of the infamous East Coast/West Coast battle that has raged on since the early days of rap and, more gruesomely, parachute pants.

Now, a typical baby will not reveal his or her understanding of this chasm until much later in life. They will "discover" Tupac and, usually depending on where they are from, they will throw down a sign that indicates their allegiance.

This moment of decision is an important "coming of age" moment for many a jr. high student.

Kiley, however, has chosen to already take sides on that matter. Being that I am a legit and loving aunt, I advised her to wait until she was older and had given each coast the opportunity to make a formal offer.

But, gosh darn it!, she is just so headstrong and was eager to make her decision known.

Thus, I introduce to you: Kiley.

West Coast 4 lifez.