Optimist says: At least I'm not dead.

Look, I try to be a good person. I don’t get into bar fights. I don’t sell drugs to babies. I don’t drive an ice cream truck and I always try to return phone calls and stop at red lights. That is some kind of quality humanity, if you ask me. I mean, it’s true that sometimes I check myself out in the rearview mirror while I’m driving. On the freeway. And I’ve never seen an episode of Seinfeld. And I know the words to some Creed songs. But I don’t think that qualifies me for the kind of evil the universe has been serving me as of late.

It all started on an unsuspecting Monday morning when I, a bright-eyed youth, was filling up my sweet ride with gas. The little screen asked me a seemingly simple question: CAR WASH? I paused. Looked at my car and thought (like an idiot) why not? So I said to the little machine, “why yes! I would like a car wash!" (Note: I don’t usually talk to machinery. Wait, yes I do).

Now, you need to know something: I had just cleaned the inside of my car. I got out all the clutter, threw away the things I didn’t need and had generally revamped the interior of my car. I was feeling good. I was feeling in control of my life because my car was so clean and isn’t that the ideal way to measure the worth of your existence? Well, it is for me. And honey, I was golden.

So there I am, improving on my car even more when the unthinkable happened: the car wash started.

Now normally, this isn’t a problem.

But there was nothing normal about this day.

Because this day, I had left open my sunroof.

It wasn’t entirely open, but it was open enough to turn my car into a prison. A prison with no hope of escape.

Or survival.

I didn’t realize my misfortune until water started to pour on me from above. Then it was all screaming and swearing like a bunch of pirates getting held up in the back alley in the shady part of a seaside village. I tried to help the situation by pushing the button to close the sunroof but, in my superior genius that you are no doubt already well aware of, I opened the roof even more. At this point there was water pooling on the seats and my clothes were covered that soapy poison. I finally got it closed enough and then it was over as quickly as it had began. As if nothing had happened. I would have thought it a bad dream if there hadn’t been water everywhere. And let me tell you, there was water. And it was everywhere.

So, Universe, let me ask you one question: who do you think you are? I’m a good person! If I made any money, you better believe I would be paying my taxes like a champion. I drink tea regularly and have even tried to keep a plant alive! And I’ve only killed a pet on purpose once! One time! And that was because that fish was pure evil. I was really doing you a favor on that one, Universe. And how to you repay me? Did you think it was funny, seeing me get all those paper towels at the gas station to dry my seat? Did you love the sweet irony of my sun-roof having to be completely open for the rest of the day so my car could dry out? Did you sit out there amongst the stars and laugh? I bet your laugh sounds false and ignoble. I really bet it does. Well guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to go listen to some Creed and sing along. Loudly. And I hope you hate it.

On the 10

The other day I ditched my family and went to Cabazon Premium Outlets all by myself. Loner? Hardly. Fabulous? Absolutely! I mean, you have to be serious about the art of shopping to drive an hour in the pouring rain halfway to Indio to go shopping at an outlet mall all by yourself. It also helped that I am trying to assert my independence. Because I am a grown up and no, mom, I don’t know what time I will be home. Yes, mom, I will try to be home for dinner. Yes, just try. Well, I’m not going to promise. Because I am a grown up. Frick.

On my way home from shopping and buying some phenomenal things, like jeans, I enjoyed my drive home because billboards lining freeways used primarily by truckers are fantastic. I mean, sure you have your fair share of “gentleman’s clubs” where men can stop their trucks and, to quote my favorite icon Elizabeth Lemon of 30 Rock, “let’s go watch some mothers and daughters!”. But you also have some $2.99 breakfast deals at places called “Three Sisters” and pictures of huge hamburgers with little phrases underneath petitioning, “can you taste it?”. No, I can’t. Because this is a billboard.

But besides that, I had the opportunity to see all sorts of things that brought down that proverbial “memory lane”. For example, I drove around a certain bend where I have a distinct memory of my dad taking me to a regional spelling bee when I was in second grade. I wasn’t technically in the spelling bee. I was runner-up in my school’s competition but I had to be at this event because the girl who was competing was straight up crazy and couldn’t be trusted to handle the pressure of something as epic as a regional spelling bee. However, she did compete, and rather pathetically too, if I may be so bold. But, I guess she was allowed to compete because it was me who lost my school’s bee by misspelling Wedneasday. I mean, Weddnesdae. Wed…nes…day.

At one point in my drive home, I saw a sign for Oak Glen and that reminded me of one of my favorite memories of my mom.

One thing you have to know about my mom is that before she married my dad and became a mother, she was a historian. Or a teacher. A history teacher? Well, that’s not important (as are all facts and truths about mothers before you were born). All I care about is that her womb was hospitable enough for me to come around. The point is that my mom loves history. So it was no surprise that she was super excited to find out that Riley’s Farm in Oak Glen was having a Civil War re-enactment. As a pre-pubescent girl who was still into American Girl Dolls, I was her only kid willing to do that kind of thing so off she and I went to watch some people shoot each other with blanks in period clothing. It actually ended up being closely related to a good time. Apparently there is a whole sub-culture of people who spend their lives in tents, in period clothing, making bread the hard way (i.e.: not at the store) and knitting around a fire while normal people come and watch them. Well, that’s the women at least. The men also live in tents, dress in period clothing, eat meat cooked over a fire in tin pans, take care of horses and then shoot each other with blanks. Oh, that’s the life! (?) I guess the only thing that would be appealing about that lifestyle is that you don’t have to work. Although I think these people might have normal jobs and just do this on the weekends. So really, there is nothing appealing about this life.

But I did enjoy going with my mom. I mean, I was one of six kids and my mom and I were hanging out all day at a place where people were knitting by fires just like my American Girl Dolls. The best part of the day, at least from my more grown-up perspective, came during the battle re-enactment. Since this was the Civil War, (not the Revolutionary War! Don’t be a fool!) the two groups of people were divided between blue coats and grey coats. I don’t know who chooses to live in a tent on the weekends and then volunteers to be on the decidedly asinine pro-slavery group. I mean, not only was this group all for the enslavement of an entire people group for their own selfish gains but they also lost. How is that appealing, 20^th century mail-carrier by week, re-enactor by weekend? But someone has to do it (note: this is reasoning that leads bright and eager children to become cremators). During the battle scene, which we as the audience watched from a safe distance behind a fence at the bottom of the hill, the blanks would fire and pre-determined soldiers would fall to their quiet, somber deaths. It was at this point that my mother, ever the educator, leaned over and quietly said in my ear, “It would never be this quiet in a real battle. Those men who just got shot would be screaming and there would blood. A lot of blood”. She then stood back up and resumed watching the re-enactment. I, too, turned back to the battle and tried to picture what the actual battle would be like. After a moment of imaging the last man who fell to be laying on the ground crying for his mother, I was glad that these re-enactors had chosen the more palatable route of a silent, and peaceful, battle scene. Because, as everyone knows, after the battle all the men lying in the field would stand up, brush off their coats, and join their wives at the costume ball in the big white house.

RESOLUTIONS. I HAS THEM.

Because this is the time of year that alls the people of the world make resolutions, even the President and Matt Damon, I decided that I too would resolve to do some things that I will undoubtably only do until February.

Because I know you all love me so much, I am sharing this list with you.

Resolved:

To be better at everything.

Look, I don’t think this is too much to ask. I just want to try to be better at anything and everything I try, without having to work too hard to do it. I think if I just set my mind to it, and meditate more often, this goal should be achievable. Note: I will be seriously pissed if this doesn’t come true.

Resolved:

To make all babies love me immediately and stop crying in my presence.

This will not only make me a goddess amongst mere mortals, it will also make everyone who is near me secretly harbor suspicion that I am actually some kind of woodland fairy. If I can calm babies, whose to say I can’t also calm angry trees and make lions my friends? WHO.

Resolved:

To not spend any money ever again*.

Really, this is the only way I’m going to be better than everyone. I am going to be just as fabulous as I always am but without spending a dime! How am I going to do this? I just told you! By not spending any money. It’s foolproof.

*Exception: Celine Dion tickets.

Resolved:

To conquer Origami

True, I did use up my lifetime ration of obscenities while trying to make one of those little swan things the last time I tried, but this year, I really am going to make a little swan thing! Yes. I am.

Here is My Five-Year Plan:

Year One: Master the art of origami through patience, perseverance and just following the #%$^& directions.

Year Two through Five: Become an origami master, teach classes and become famous. And, although my flesh may decay, my legacy as an origami sage will allow me to live forever. They will say that I was a bright star shooting through the atmosphere and lighting up the dark night sky of humanity.

Resolved:

To be lifted up on the shoulders of a crowd as they cheer for me.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to deserve this. But I am going to do this. And I’m going to deserve it.

Resolved:

Get me a man. Or just get married. To a man.

Sure, this might not be “realistic” or even “normal behavior for a young woman” but I’m going to get married. Even if I have to get married at a chapel on the way to Las Vegas to a man who needs a green card, I’m going to do it. Get married, I mean.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING?

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME. I SEE YOU.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOU. YOU CAN'T HIDE.

I'M GOOD AT ORIGAMI.

So there you have it! My new year’s resolutions! Hope I didn’t get to needy on you towards the end there!

Oh…. well, you're fricking nuts too, I’m sure.

A Christmas Miracle

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you! I was too busy writing in my journal while I sit by this piece of sand that I occasionally comb with a tiny little baby rake. It makes me better than you. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, I'm glad you stopped by today because I have a special treat! Consider it my Christmas gift to you. This is really better for both of us because then I don't have to buy you anything.

You might be wondering: what IS THIS GIFT? Well, please step over to the tree, find the gift with YOUR name on it and unwrap it! Go on! Do it! .... Now that you've unwrapped it you'll see that the gift is a GUEST WRITER! It's my sister ABBY!!! YEAH! REALLY!

Don't get too excited. You'll hurt my feelings.

I'm still here.

After watching Twilight and Twilight: New Moon with my sister Abby, she decided that she wanted to place finger to key and write her feelings refuting my previous blog (waits for clapping to die down) thank you, about the epic saga.

Editor's Note: she is a fool.

So without further ado...

5 Reasons Why You Should NOT Date Edward Cullen

By: Abby Gunderson

Besides the obvious reasons that Edward Cullen is an Albino, blood-sucking vampire who has an overwhelming urge to bite you and suck your blood, there are 5 other reasons why Edward is a bad choice in a life partner.

1) He is a Player

"Do you know how long I have waited for you?" -Edward (1st Twilight movie)

Really, Edward? You expect me to believe that for over 100 years, you didn't once think about hooking up with some hottie behind the bleachers after Homecoming? Even during the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's? Those chicks were liberated and stoned. What's not to love?

But you know what, Edward knows exactly what he is doing and plays Bella like a hand of cards; sad, vulnerable, low self-esteem cards with daddy issues.

Game plan:

First - Edward undoubtably has some I'm-so-artsy Moleskin journal filled with pick-up lines that he drops like its hot. Such as, “Every day you breathe is a gift.” Bella thought this sentiment was sweetly whispered in the moment. BUT he actually first used that line on Dame Judi Dench back in 1952.

Then - he lets the girl think she has figured out his little secret. As such...

Bella: "You're a vampire."

Edward: "Oh really, you discovered that I am a Vampire? How clever you are. I can't believe you saw through the albino skin, yellow eyes, and the whole saving-you-from-that-car-wreck thing. How free I feel now that you know my secret! Let's go make out in the forest."

Editor's Note: They didn't make out in the forest. They stared lovingly into each other's eyes. Also, nothing is wrong with Moleskin journals. This editor isn't biased but if he/she were, he/she is sure that Moleskin is an entirely acceptable way to deal with all of your many feelings.

Final Move - he talks the girl out of the idea that she too needs to be an immortal Vampire in order that they can be together forever. C'mon I mean, wouldn't you? Edward just wants to be with Bella while she is young, hot and sultry. They can have a few laughs, prance through the forest, and pop out some half-breed kids. Then, once her junk goes bad, she dies and he starts the game all over again.

Well played, Cullen.

Editor's Note: The editor has read the books, unlike the guest author, and he/she knows that Bella and Edward do want to be together forever. They love each other and nothing will ever change that. Also, maybe it's not so bad to be a half-breed kid. Maybe if the guest author was a half-breed, she wouldn't be so lame and prone to the common cold.

2) He is addicted to drugs

You thought those dark circles under his eyes were because he is one of the UnDead.

False.

Editor's Note: True.

As evidence, I quote Edward himself: "You are like my own personal brand of heroine". How would you know, Edward? How would you know? I mean, the guy was gone for like half of the New Moon movie.

Where was he??

I'll tell you where he was: in a gutter somewhere in Amsterdam sleeping it off, that's where.

Editor's Note: No, he wasn't. You don't even know him. He isn't like that. Lay off.

3) He is obviously the product of two first cousins.

Editor's Note: No, YOU'RE obviously the product of two first cousins. Frick.

Edward Cullen is an idiot. Let me ask you this: what kind of moron repeats high school - the worst years of one’s life - over and over and over again? While most of us spend years in therapy trying to forget the time in Satan's Lair, this genius agreed to the arrangement in the first place!

I can imagine the conversation:

Dr. Cullen: Hey Edward, you don't look so well with that Spanish influenza and all. I’ve got an idea, let’s be immortal and go to Algebra class, endure non-stop acne, and wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt."

Edward: "Sounds awesome! Bite my neck here, please"

Just because you look like a 17-year-old, Edward, doesn't mean you need to act like one. Many people in this world are short on years and go on to do more interesting things than go to 5th period PE and attend Prom. For instance - Lindsay Lohan, Doogie Howser, the BabySitters Club, and all those Chinese gymnasts.

Editor's Note: Fate brought Edward to perpetual high-schoolship. It brought him to Bella. The love of his life. The editor is sure that the guest author wouldn't love anything if she had to because her heart is so cold and dark.

4) Does Edward have White-American guilt on his side?

No. But Jacob does. As long as Uncle Sam lives with the daily guilt of giving Jacob's ancestors syphilis 250 years ago, that kid and his family are living the dream: free healthcare and education during the day, while running around shirtless at night on an Indian reservation.

Bella, let me give you some free advice: Go back to Jacob, pop out some halfsie-werewolf babies, and live a tax-free Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman existence at a casino somewhere in Nevada with the rest of the tribe. You won't regret it.

Editor's Note: WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID. Bella doesn't love Jacob, okay? She loves Edward. EDWARD. She loves Edward because he is beautiful and special and he isn't dating Taylor Swift.

5) He is Gay

Editor's Note: YOU'RE GAY.

I saved this one for last because it is so obvious.

That piano-playing scene in the first movie?

His perfectly coifed hair?

The Banana Republic wardrobe?

The baseball scene that implies "playing-for-both-teams”?

Oh, and the guy GLITTERS.

Fact: straight men don’t glitter in the sunlight. While he may be attracted to Bella's blood, I am [bi]curious as to whether or not he is interested in her X chromosome. I bet you tickets to a Cher concert that Edward just wants to put on Bella's dad's sheriff costume with a pair of cutoff denim shorts, drive down to SanFran, and DANCE.

Editor's Note: No. NO. You suck and you don't even love anything ever because this editor is sure that maybe if you did love something besides what you see in the mirror everyday you would know true beauty when you see it and guess what it's in Edward because he is really beautiful and not you and why is everything getting so dark in here? Is it hot? Where am I? Where are my pants?

Love Always,

Abby

Editor's Note: Don't worry guys. This is never going to happen again.

Ever.

I mean it.

I See You: A Loving Tribute to Avatar

Last night, after hours of debate, slammed doors and tears, I finally convinced some members of my family to see Avatar with me. Actually, only a few doors needed to be slammed because my dad was totally down for going. He claimed he was going to be with me but I know its because he really really really wanted to see Avatar. He thinks I have forgotten about the Eragon Viewing Of 2006 but I haven't. I'm still bitter that he made me see that with him.

Well, now we might be even.

I mean, it's no Eragon but it's also not exactly the next North by Northwest.

It's not even Star Trek. At least that had my boy, Spock to make the screen sizzle (yeah, I said it).

It's somewhere between absolute crap and majestic film making. I can't quite put my finger on where in the spectrum it falls, but one thing I know for sure: it falls somewhere on the line.

You're welcome.

But I digress.

(Would it really be a blog entry if I didn't?)

The story of Avatar is this:

It's 2154. A young wheelchair bounded man named Jake Sully ventures onto the mysterious planet, Pandora. He is assigned to an Avatar which, when he is hooked up to a little machine thing, lets him take over his Avatar's mind grapes with his own. It's science. Don't question it. Once he takes over his Avatar's body, he runs all over Pandora with his friends, Sigourney Weaver and Nameless Nerd Friend. I think his name is Will or something. He's really smart. I think he's supposed to be comic relief.

Anyway, once he is on Pandora he becomes friends with a beautiful and mysterious Avatar woman whose name I can't remember because she was half-naked. When she takes him to the tribe of Avatar, they want to kill him. But she defends them. Turns out, her mom and dad are the chiefs. Soon, she and Jake Sully are learning all about how wonderful trees are and how to be one with nature. Of course, they fall in love. But she is supposed to marry Kocoum!

WAIT.

Isn't this the story about Pocahontas? IT IS?

Look, I'm all for the story of Pocahontas. I just thought it had already been done. You know, in actual history. But now Sigourney Weaver is in on it so I guess that makes it even better.

I'll be real with you. I'm all for nature and trees and stuff. I even thought about planting a garden once! Yeah! It's true! But this movie made me feel guilty, not only being a white middle class America, but also for being a human! How could we do this to the aliens?? They are so peaceful and beautiful! And they have a spirit tree! How could we hate something with a spirit tree?? The closest thing we have to a spirit tree is Celine Dion!

You might be wondering how the story ends. I'll tell you.

After the humans, those filthy war machines, destroy everything good and beautiful about Pandora, they infect the Avatars with small pox. Then, to make up for it, they give the Avatars a small plot of land in Pandora where they are allowed to run casinos tax free.

God bless America. And James Cameron.

It's Oscar season, buddy, and I'm rooting for you.

That's What She Said: A Guide

Location: An office. Two men stand by watching another man try to put together a "some assembly required" chair from Staples. A bright red "That Was Easy" button sits by, untouched.

Person One: How do I get this thing to go in?

Person Two: Thats what she said!

Person Three: (chuckles softly to self)

Person One: Shut up.

"That's What She Said"

Anywhere. Anytime.

(that's what she said)

Ah, the classic one liner: "thats what she said". A perfect addition to nearly any conversation. It has that magic touch. That ability to bring together strangers and draw close friends even closer. It can lighten up a serious conversation, a tense situation or add even more hilarity to an already hilarious event.

But people need to use this phrase responsibly. Many older adults have recognized the unique power that this little phrase can have over common, everyday conversations. And they're experimenting.

And it's not pretty.

So, out of respect for the hearts and minds of my readership, I have dedicated myself to creating "That's What She Said": A Guide for all those who would like to improve their use of this immortal gem!

Rule One: Not quite anytime

Be aware of your surroundings. Is this the type of event that requires a little pick me up like TWSS? Or is it a moment that is appropriately sober?

Don't:

Widow: He was dead on arrival...

You: That's what she said.

NO. BAD.

Do:

Widow: He was dead on arrival

You: Sorry.

MUCH. BETTER.

Rule Two: Not quite anywhere

PLACES THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE:

Hospitals

Nursing Homes

Churches

Historical Ruins (exception: the Parthenon)

Flower Shops (don't question it.)

Classrooms (notes to friends: acceptable)

Anywhere that children are present (they won't get it so your humor will be lost on them)

Rule Three: No Set Ups

Example-

You: It's so small

You (1 second later): That's what she said

NO. LAME.

You might wonder when you'll get your chance to use TWSS if you don't create the opportunity yourself. Look, I don't care. You can die without ever making a good TWSS joke for all I care. Just don't set yourself up. I mean it. This is my only warning.

Rule Four: Your waiter doesn't think it's funny. So don't.

Rule Five: The elderly, while often seen as absolute TWSS goldmines, are definitely out.

Grandma: Sorry I don't have anything besides 20 year old cake, I just can't get around since I broke my hip

You: That's what she said

Grandma: Who said?

You: She...it's..a joke...

Grandma: I don't understand

You: It was just a joke. Someone says something...funny...and you say that's what she said...it's really funny...

Grandma: I don't know who she is

You: It's not a person

Grandma: Is it something on the news?

You: No...it's a joke...

Grandma: Are you smoking the marijuanas again?

You: no?

Grandma: You're out of the will.

NO. BAD. NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.

Rule Six: Open Ears. Open Eyes. Open Heart.

Believe in the magic of TWSS! If you only keep your ears, eyes and heart open to the possibilitoes, you too will see opportunities to use your TWSS skills in public! Don't be afraid! Take a chance! Believe in yourself! Reach for the moon because even if you miss, you will land among stars.

You can do it. I believe in you.

That's what she said.

Oh, Edward!

Today, I was going to the bathroom when I overheard two girls talking.

Girl One: Did I see you today playing duck duck goose out on the lawn?

Girl Two: Yeah.. it was kind of amazing...

Me (to self): WHAT? Really, girl two? It was kind of amazing? Seriously? Because, over here in this stall, it sounds kind of stupid. The only people who can pull off playing children's games are children. Because its cute. It's even better if one of the kid had a deformity or artificial limb because then it's inspirational.

See, this is the problem with being a part of the honors program at my college. It attracts weird kids. Kids who wear capes. Kids who write on the arms extensively just to show off how busy they are. Kids who don't wear shoes for who knows what reason (one thing is for sure: it's not because people in developing nations don't have shoes. That's a completely different collegiate sub-culture). Kids who judge me when my copy of Twilight accidentally falls out of my bag. No, YOU suck! And your girlfriend has freakishly long hair! Reality check: She isn't Arwen.

Why are you crying? Stop it.

But I digress.

Wait, no I don't. I meant to segue into my love of Twilight.

Yeah. I said it, Reader.

I. Love. Twilight.

Well, actually, I love Edward Cullen.

He's everything I want in a man: dark, moody, brooding, eyes that look into my soul, loves to hunt bears just to suck their blood, tries to say goodbye because "it's for my own good" but just can't stay away because of an inexplicably attraction (i.e. my blood smells tasty to him). That's hot.

This whole love affair began when I had a couple of my girlfriends, Kelsey (holla!) and Kaleigh (shout out!) over for pizza and movie happyfuntimes. While we were watching a SNL digital short making fun of Twilight, I casually mentioned that I had never seen the movies or read the books. Well, then there was no turning back.

I loved it.

I mean, I recognize that the acting may not be "good" or even "mediocre" and I know that the plot might be a bit "stupid" but COME ON PEOPLE! Edward is FANTASTIC! And Bella has great bone structure! What's not to love?!

Well, I think the vampires got to me because the next night I was back in my apartment, in my Snuggie, watching it again with my roommate Colleen (woot woot!). Fact: EVEN BETTER THE SECOND TIME!

And then the next day I went to Borders and got my very own copy of Twilight. I am now 200 pages into it. Tonight, during my dinner break from classes, I forwent my tradition of calling people and having meaningful conversations. Instead, I got dinner and read Twilight.

And I was so happy. So very happy.

You know, I still haven't returned the movie to Red Box...

Maybe I'll watch it again when I know my roommates, and their judgement, won't be home.