I do colds better than you

This morning, as I was coughing up my internal organs while lying in my bed, I realized how pretentious colds are.

Really, they think they're all that.

And they are.

Let's examine the various aspects of this particular illness and then reflect on how much more it's into indie music than we are.

a) Chicken Noodle Soup

Sure it's a classic part of every illness, but it's so arrogant! Think about it. What other everyday soup has both poultry AND noodles? It's trying to take over two industries in one can! Plus, the broth is clearly inspired by French Onion Soup, which everyone knows is a soup that thinks really highly of itself. Also, Chicken Noodle Soup demands your allegiance for the duration of your sickness. "oh." it says, when you get out some bread to make yourself a sandwich. "I mean, don't get me wrong, sandwiches are great... I just didn't think label you as someone who, when you have a sore throat, voluntarily swallows sandpaper".

It even watches with smug satisfaction as you shamefully put away the bread and get out the can opener.

b) Cold Medicine

It's expensive. It demands you take it every 4 to 6 hours. It usually comes packaged in impossible to open little foil envelopes. Everything about it is elitist.

Plus, consider the names. Sudafed? Theraflu? What's next...EmergenC? Exactly. Cold Medicine made specifically for emergent church goers.

c) Snuggies

During this particular illness, I was able to use the Snuggie that my sister, Abby, just sent me (shout out!).

While a lot of people enjoy making fun of Snuggies, that's only because this incredibly innovative and successful blanket has made them feel inferior. Snuggies have only been around for a couple of years and its famous!

You're 24 and no one knows your name.

I can understand why you're insecure in its presence.

Besides, it's the perfect blanket for being sick. I wasn't forced to make the Sophie's choice between warmth and reading a book! Thanks, Snuggie!

d) Blowing your nose.

Nothing says, "Don't mind me. I'm just better than you!" than quietly blowing your nose. I know, I know. You're thinking that you need to blow your nose. Otherwise you'll be sick forever! All I'm saying is that this little act lets everyone around you know that you are going through a time of incredibly hip behavior and they should probably feel like what they're wearing isn't as cool as what you're wearing.

e) Staying inside for the weekend.

So, you're sick. Now you can't make it to events. You have to cancel on lunch dates. You don't come to work or class. Sounds like somebody IS sick... of all the losers they usually associate with.

Instead of pretending to care about other people's problems, you stay inside, with your Snuggie, and watch the History Channel. Also, you read books. And sleep. Like some kind of Eastern European royal. Congratulations, you're pretentious.

f) Orange juice

Someone had to pick that by hand. Someone else had to go to college and get a degree in mechanical engineering to design a machine to squeeze the juice. Someone else had to get a degree from Yale in chemistry to make you think it tastes like real oranges. Some guy who happens to live near the headquarters in Missouri had to taste-test that kind to make sure you would enjoy it. Some truck driver had to drive it to your local grocery store. Some high schooler had to stock it while texting his girlfriend. You bought it and drink it because it has Vitamin C.

Yeah, you know who you are. Someone who deserves the best that society can offer.

I text like it's my duty to the world

The other day, my friend Abbie and I were sitting at a frozen yogurt place in San Diego called "Berries and Beans".

I'm not sure why they call it that.

Actually, that's really weird. And a little annoying.

How hard is it to accurately name something? Yogurtland seems to get it (a land of yogurt!) why can't you, Berries and Beans? No, I do NOT want your punch card. Everyone will think I'm an idiot for carrying around your lame name next to my credit card. I'm important, Berries and Beans. VERY IMPORTANT.

But I digress.

As we were sitting at (insert stupid name here), on the really comfy couches they so sensitively provide, we found ourselves engrossed in an issue of Seventeen magazine. Imagine our surprise to learn what boys are really thinking!

So, you're telling me they like it when a girl plays hard to get by having a boyfriend? Thanks Carlos, 15!

Anyway(s), as we continued to read (and, consequently, saw more pictures of the cast of Twilight than anyone one person should every be subject to... unless, of course, the government needs to extract information from them) we stumbled across a fascinating article about how to text to get yourself a boyfriend!

Naturally, we felt the need to study this with an intensity that we have never displayed in our official academic pursuits. But really, when is New-Historicism critical theory every going to get me invited to a party with Jon, 16?

Here are some important lessons I learned that I felt would be important (dare I say, life channging?) to share with you, my readership.

DO:

Send him a fun and flirty text like, "hey qt! what r u doing 2nite? ;)"

DON'T:

Ask him intense questions like, "did u hook up w/ [insert name here. probably vanessa] last nite?"

DO:

Make pretend dates! Like, if he insults you... say something cute like, "ouch! u owe me an ice cream 4 that 1!"

DON'T:

Make him wait longer than 5 minutes for a text. Otherwise he will think you aren't into him!

DO:

Look more like [insert latest disney channel child star here] in order to attract Ryan, 14. Sure, he might be shorter than you because he hasn't hit his growth spurt and his mom still registers him for classes, but isn't it great to have someone validate you?

DON'T:

Pay attention in school. What, are you too lame to spend all of your history class actually listening to the teacher instead of texting Luke, 35?

Here is a profound thought I discovered on Seventeen.com:

I don't know if this will help in any of your situations, but here are some things i have learned from guys... -when they say "idk" when you ask them a serious question...a question they probly dont wanna hear/answer...the "idk" represents the answer you probly dont want to hear, i.e.- you have plans to hook up with an ex and then you ask if youre ever going to get back together, he says idk, usually that means no. -not all guys, but most don't put to much effort into ttheir conversations. so don't freak out with their stupid one worded answers, just as long as they occasionally say something sweet that suprises you. -however, you should definately know a guy likes you if he actually carries on a long conversation, that every answer is more than one word, and he asks questions back. you should be veryyyy happy cuz guys dont do this all the time. -NOT ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THIS. but most know what to say and how to say it to get girls to do whatever they want. all guys know what to say to make us girls fall to their feet, but some actually do mean it. you have to watch your self. -i know how it is to want to go crawling back to your ex, but the best idea is to move on. it will be the hardest thing in your life to do, but once you do it, you will realize how much better you are without him, and how stupid you wouldve looked going back to him just for a hook up.

.... yeah, you are welcome.

Recycling and Natural Medicine

Just for fun, I looked up the list "Stuff White People Like" to see how white I really am.

The results were not that surprising.

-Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

I feel rage whenever I see those shirts. White hot rage.

- Moleskin Notebooks

I actually used one today to write about my feelings. I have a lot of them. For a taste of what those might be like, please consider indie music.

- Taking a year off

White-er points: Today's "taking a year off" consideration was Teach For America. I think the only diversity displayed in that program is on the website.

- Sea Salt

I actually have a bottle of sea salt in my closet. I'm not sure why.

- Hummus

Lunch.

- The Onion

I once seriously considered replacing CNN as my homepage in favor of The Onion. Pretension, masked as a "desire to be informed", won out and CNN remains the first thing I see when I used my Mac to sign onto the internet.

- Dinner Parties

I'll just let the website do the talking on this one: "The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonalds wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work."

- Public Radio

"This American Life" makes me happy, especially when I'm cooking (using organic food only, of course).

-David Sedaris

I feel as if this list is peeking into my very soul. My white, white soul.

And my personal favorite,

- Breakfast Places

Lately, my friend and I have been going to a little place in downtown Fullerton for Saturday breakfasts. Everything we order is organic, even the coffee. We sit at the tables set up on the sidewalk outside, with older white couples with their dogs and New York Times crosswords. Once, a camera crew from a local news station came up to interview people about our Memorial Day plans. They practically cried when they realized that sitting there in the cafe was the local owner of an art gallery. White person paradise.

So there you have it. Feel free to use this list to gauge how white you are.

Because,

self-awareness is a good thing.

Also, ugly sweater parties.

Glennovna (or, why its fun to have Glenn as your dad)

Since today is my dad's birthday, I decided to write a little something about why it's fun to have him as my dad. I could have gotten sentimental on you all and told you why he's such a great dad to have, but let's stick to the funnier stuff.

- He always tries to play jokes on his kids. It's like April Fool's Day was made for this man. When we lived closer to the mountains, he would wake us up by telling us that a coyote was in our front yard. For some reason, it made him laugh really hard to see his small children run to the window looking for a wild animal by our front door. When we moved to a house in a more urban area that was across from a park, he would try to convince us that homeless man was pooping on our front lawn.

- Speaking of jokes, you can be pretty sure that the first thing he tells you about anything is whatever he thinks will get a reaction out of you. Like, "I told everyone at staff meeting about this guy you're interested in" or "you don't mind that I told the church about that test you failed right?". When I was younger, I believed him. Now I just sit there and wait until he looks up, laughs, says "I'm just kidding!" and moves on to what he really was going to say.

- The man is afraid of technology. Only recently did he make the switch from typewriters to laptop computers. This switch, however, doesn't mean he suddenly is uploading pictures of family vacations, synching his iCal with his BlackBerry or even getting an email. What it means is that his secretary set up the computer so that all he has to do is open it and it immediately opens to a Word document where he can type things. I'm not convinced he knows how to save things.

-But he did learn how to text recently! At first, responses would take a half hour and would be all in caps. Now they're a little quicker and in normal capitalization. He actually communicates a lot this way now. I think it's his way of connecting with his kids.

- He cries at the end of movies. Even if he just walked in we are finishing a movie. He doesn't need to see the whole thing, just seeing two people kissing and walking off into a sunset is enough to make him cry.

- I'm pretty sure he loves the dogs, Homer and Violet, more than he loves the rest of us. They get hugs first, they get to go on walks with him, they get talked to, they get songs dedicated to their adventures...

- He eats disgusting combinations of food. Like, ketchup on everything. If we're at a fancy restaurant, he'll say to the waiter, "now, I know this is so tacky but... can I have some ketchup with this steak?". He also likes to put huge amounts of butter (or, Smart Balance) on things. Like cold meat. If my sister catches him, he'll try to hide what he's eating. Like a raccoon digging through a trash can who gets caught by a flashlight.

- The older I get, the more of his characteristics I pick up. I put ketchup on everything. I stare off in the distance for no reason. I repeat things to people several times during conversations (just to make sure they remember!). I try to play practical jokes on people and think it's hilarious. I bite my nails. I say things like, "this is what money is for!" when buying movie tickets. I walk, jog, walk. I have a receding hairline.

Happy birthday, dad! I love you!

All the Single Ladies: Translated

All the single ladies (7x)

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
you Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
dont pay him any attention
cuz i cried my tears, GAVE three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

We were at our community’s local dance hall; we decided to end our relationship.

I was behaving as I often do: as an individual.

You, my former amour, became upset when another young male appreciated my physical attributes and keen dancing skills.

This young man and I were dancing in a friendly manner

But I petition you, former lover, do not to notice this intimacy

I wept as is appropriate when two who have been paramours for many years end their romance.

Do not be angry at me, my swain

[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh x2

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

You cannot be vexed when another man behaves in a manner that indicates he is interested in becoming my lover

Because if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal.

Oh, Oh, Oh (x2)

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I couldnt care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Dont pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn
But now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

I have rouge on my lips; a young man dancing close to my person

I am wearing a brand of jeans that is known for enhancing a woman’s bodily appearance with their form-fitting cut and style.

I behave garishly, with little self-control; I drink fermented beverages.

I no longer concern myself with your personal thoughts or feelings on the matter.

As an individual, I don’t need to petition to another person to approve of my behavior.

Have I recently told you that you need not be concerned with this other young man?

You had an opportunity to become my betrothed

Now you must learn the painful lesson of how one feels when they long for a lost lover

Chorus

Chorus

Don’t treat me to the things of this world
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Pull me into your arms
Say I’m the one you own
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like a ghost I’ll be gone

I warn you: do not attempt to purchase my love with expensive worldly goods.

I am not a woman who responds to such bribery

What I desire most is your intimacy and devotion.

Indeed, it is what I qualify for given my fine personality and attractive features.

Take me into your loving embrace; treat me as if you have already expended a great amount of monetary compensation in order to purchase me as your lover.

If you don’t behave as I have outlined above, I will leave you all alone.

Like an apparition, I will disappear without leaving behind an indication of my whereabouts.

All the single ladies (7x)
Now put your hands up
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh
oh oh oh 2x

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it woo oh ooh 2x

The whole of the unmarried female population (x7)

Place your arms high, as if reaching towards the heavens!

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Indeed, if you enjoyed my appearance and the way I behave, you should have solidified the nature of our committed relationship by giving me an annular piece of jewelry that traditionally indicates a betrothal (x2)

A party dedicated to moustaches!

Some pictures from the moustache-athon housewarming party!

Fun and Sexy Times (at the doctor's office)

The appointment was at 3:30.

When I scheduled this appointment a month ago, they told me to arrive at the brick building near the ER at least 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment.

Since I was subjecting myself to a magnetic picture of my brain, I wondered if I would need to take out all the metal that I had voluntarily put in my body.

Google search told me that yes, the nose ring had to go.

So I drove to my house and arrived at 2:45 so my mom could help me get my nose ring out since I had never taken it out on my own.

The only time I had taken out my nose ring was my sophomore year and H took it out for me. I cried the whole time. Not because I was in pain. But because it made the whole thing seem more exciting. It made me feel like I was really alive. Plus, it was terrifying. What if I pulled out my nose? I needed it.

Back to my story: I get home and my mom tries to help me take it out.

30 minutes, tweezers and needle-nose pliers later... the nose ring was still in my nose.

And I was just the tiniest bit of upset.

Okay. That's a lie. I was freaking out.

How stupid would I look if I couldn't get a CT Scan because I couldn't take out my own nose ring?

So I get to the office at 3:25.

10 minutes later than they said to arrive.

The receptionist asked me what time my appointment was.

"3:30"

She looked at the clock.

I got the point.

So I filled out the paperwork and they brought me in.

The nurse was nice and smelled very faintly of stale cigarettes. Also, she was more than willing to work around my nose ring which I still couldn't get out. She asked me if I even took care of it since it was all red and stuff.

I explained that I was a nose ring screw up and couldn't control the things I voluntarily put on my body.

Then we got started with the scanning of my brain part.

She set me up with an IV and gave me the following instructions: "Okay now when I this stuff goes in its going to make you feel weird. You're going to feel really hot and get a strange taste in your mouth"

Okay, I could handle that.

"Also, you're going to feel like you're wetting your pants"

What?

"But I promise, you aren't!"

Oh well that's fantastic.

The crazy thing was... it was all true. I did get really hot and I got a crazy taste in my mouth and I swear I peed my pants. Right there on the table.

I kind of wish I did.

Because, wouldn't that have made for an even better blog?

Also, when I got out of the office, a bird had pooped on my car.