That's What She Said: A Guide

Location: An office. Two men stand by watching another man try to put together a "some assembly required" chair from Staples. A bright red "That Was Easy" button sits by, untouched.

Person One: How do I get this thing to go in?

Person Two: Thats what she said!

Person Three: (chuckles softly to self)

Person One: Shut up.

"That's What She Said"

Anywhere. Anytime.

(that's what she said)

Ah, the classic one liner: "thats what she said". A perfect addition to nearly any conversation. It has that magic touch. That ability to bring together strangers and draw close friends even closer. It can lighten up a serious conversation, a tense situation or add even more hilarity to an already hilarious event.

But people need to use this phrase responsibly. Many older adults have recognized the unique power that this little phrase can have over common, everyday conversations. And they're experimenting.

And it's not pretty.

So, out of respect for the hearts and minds of my readership, I have dedicated myself to creating "That's What She Said": A Guide for all those who would like to improve their use of this immortal gem!

Rule One: Not quite anytime

Be aware of your surroundings. Is this the type of event that requires a little pick me up like TWSS? Or is it a moment that is appropriately sober?

Don't:

Widow: He was dead on arrival...

You: That's what she said.

NO. BAD.

Do:

Widow: He was dead on arrival

You: Sorry.

MUCH. BETTER.

Rule Two: Not quite anywhere

PLACES THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE:

Hospitals

Nursing Homes

Churches

Historical Ruins (exception: the Parthenon)

Flower Shops (don't question it.)

Classrooms (notes to friends: acceptable)

Anywhere that children are present (they won't get it so your humor will be lost on them)

Rule Three: No Set Ups

Example-

You: It's so small

You (1 second later): That's what she said

NO. LAME.

You might wonder when you'll get your chance to use TWSS if you don't create the opportunity yourself. Look, I don't care. You can die without ever making a good TWSS joke for all I care. Just don't set yourself up. I mean it. This is my only warning.

Rule Four: Your waiter doesn't think it's funny. So don't.

Rule Five: The elderly, while often seen as absolute TWSS goldmines, are definitely out.

Grandma: Sorry I don't have anything besides 20 year old cake, I just can't get around since I broke my hip

You: That's what she said

Grandma: Who said?

You: She...it's..a joke...

Grandma: I don't understand

You: It was just a joke. Someone says something...funny...and you say that's what she said...it's really funny...

Grandma: I don't know who she is

You: It's not a person

Grandma: Is it something on the news?

You: No...it's a joke...

Grandma: Are you smoking the marijuanas again?

You: no?

Grandma: You're out of the will.

NO. BAD. NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.

Rule Six: Open Ears. Open Eyes. Open Heart.

Believe in the magic of TWSS! If you only keep your ears, eyes and heart open to the possibilitoes, you too will see opportunities to use your TWSS skills in public! Don't be afraid! Take a chance! Believe in yourself! Reach for the moon because even if you miss, you will land among stars.

You can do it. I believe in you.

That's what she said.

Oh, Edward!

Today, I was going to the bathroom when I overheard two girls talking.

Girl One: Did I see you today playing duck duck goose out on the lawn?

Girl Two: Yeah.. it was kind of amazing...

Me (to self): WHAT? Really, girl two? It was kind of amazing? Seriously? Because, over here in this stall, it sounds kind of stupid. The only people who can pull off playing children's games are children. Because its cute. It's even better if one of the kid had a deformity or artificial limb because then it's inspirational.

See, this is the problem with being a part of the honors program at my college. It attracts weird kids. Kids who wear capes. Kids who write on the arms extensively just to show off how busy they are. Kids who don't wear shoes for who knows what reason (one thing is for sure: it's not because people in developing nations don't have shoes. That's a completely different collegiate sub-culture). Kids who judge me when my copy of Twilight accidentally falls out of my bag. No, YOU suck! And your girlfriend has freakishly long hair! Reality check: She isn't Arwen.

Why are you crying? Stop it.

But I digress.

Wait, no I don't. I meant to segue into my love of Twilight.

Yeah. I said it, Reader.

I. Love. Twilight.

Well, actually, I love Edward Cullen.

He's everything I want in a man: dark, moody, brooding, eyes that look into my soul, loves to hunt bears just to suck their blood, tries to say goodbye because "it's for my own good" but just can't stay away because of an inexplicably attraction (i.e. my blood smells tasty to him). That's hot.

This whole love affair began when I had a couple of my girlfriends, Kelsey (holla!) and Kaleigh (shout out!) over for pizza and movie happyfuntimes. While we were watching a SNL digital short making fun of Twilight, I casually mentioned that I had never seen the movies or read the books. Well, then there was no turning back.

I loved it.

I mean, I recognize that the acting may not be "good" or even "mediocre" and I know that the plot might be a bit "stupid" but COME ON PEOPLE! Edward is FANTASTIC! And Bella has great bone structure! What's not to love?!

Well, I think the vampires got to me because the next night I was back in my apartment, in my Snuggie, watching it again with my roommate Colleen (woot woot!). Fact: EVEN BETTER THE SECOND TIME!

And then the next day I went to Borders and got my very own copy of Twilight. I am now 200 pages into it. Tonight, during my dinner break from classes, I forwent my tradition of calling people and having meaningful conversations. Instead, I got dinner and read Twilight.

And I was so happy. So very happy.

You know, I still haven't returned the movie to Red Box...

Maybe I'll watch it again when I know my roommates, and their judgement, won't be home.